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What’s Your Big Dream?

Thursday, January 12th, 2012

I woke up on New Year’s day and immediately thought, “This is the year of big dreams.” The thought came out of the blue and had a soul feel to it. I can feel the truth and energy behind it – BIG dreams.

I count myself lucky to be in the business of helping people make their dreams come true, and I think this year is going to be the most rewarding yet. I have a feeling that lots and lots of people are going to see their dreams come true. Clients, students, colleagues, family members – it’s going to be big! I’m telling you!

So, why not get started today?

First, what ARE your big dreams?

Can you list them immediately? Do they roll right off your tongue? If not, it’s time to get cracking on your list. The first step in making big dreams come true is knowing what your dreams are. Then we can move on to making them reality.

Take a moment here to write down three big dreams. Big is a relative term, so don’t judge yourself. Whatever feels big to you is perfect. (Share them in the comments section below!)

Take a look at your list. Could you get more specific? Bigger? Let your imagination go WILD in this moment. No pressure – you don’t have to write the novel right this minute, train for your triathlon today, or build your coaching practice overnight. Right now, you’re just imagining what could be. Then, turn it up a notch. Don’t settle.

I help a lot of people with their body dreams. Many people want health, weight loss, more energy, or better sleep. Whenever we coach together around their body dreams, clients always discover more, bigger, better dreams lurking in the corners, hiding behind desires for physical well-being. Of course it’s fabulous to dream of great health. Then, go bigger. What else? Don’t just settle for good. Go for great.

I used to dream of health. But lurking behind my dream was a much bigger one. I wanted to be a life coach. I’d read Martha Beck’s books for years. I loved what she did. I wanted to do the same. Every now and then, I’d let that dream peek its nose out before hurriedly hiding it away. It seemed preposterous.

I believe that part of the health struggle many of us face is inextricably linked to big dreams. Smooshing them down just doesn’t work. Our bodies sag and drag as a result, longing to be let loose to live the lives we’re meant to live

When I got my dream of health, I found I couldn’t sweep anything under the rug and still stay healthy. I had to open that closet where I’d stored my life coaching dream. I had to pull it out, look at it, and try it on for size. Then, I had to make it happen.

I’ve gotten used to living this way. For me, every year is about making big dreams happen. I know that I can’t settle. I have to stand on my tiptoes and reach up, as high as I can, for that really cool dream on the top shelf. The best dreams seem too high, just out of reach, and a little precarious. If that’s how you feel when you think of you’re dream – you’re onto it!

Stretch yourself. Reach a little higher. Have fun! That’s what big dreams and life are all about. A lot of my big dreams came true last year, so I’m stepping it up this year. Higher. Bigger. Better. It’s about expanding to new realms, exploring the places your soul wants to go. Because that’s who’s leading this dream team – your soul. Trust it. Dare to take the steps, little or big, that it’s telling you to take. There’s no reason to wait. This is the year.

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Posted in Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing, Vulvodynia | 5 Comments »

Learn to Be Kind – To You

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

Be kind to YourselfWhen I first realized I was putting immense and constant pressure on myself, and that the pressure was causing my body to revolt, it was like putting on glasses for the first time. I could see clearly how much I was beating myself up, trying to be perfect, judging myself, and otherwise rejecting who I really am. No wonder my muscles were tense, my body hurt, and I felt terrible about myself.

The next step was to somehow learn to be kinder to myself. This was a tricky thing, seeing as I could easily beat myself up for not being good at being kind to myself. You see the catch-22 here. Being in my mind was a little like being in an M.C. Escher painting. Just when I thought I was catching on, I’d realize I had somehow slipped back into self-judgment.

Last year, I gave my dad an M.C. Escher puzzle for Christmas. (Yeah, it’s a doozy!) When I saw it in the store, it made me laugh. It’s the perfect way to approach the mind-game of learning to be kind to yourself – see it as a giant puzzle. How can I slide out of self-pressure or self-flagellation in this moment and ease my way into self-kindness? What is the trick that will work in this moment? How can I extricate myself from this unkindness without causing more of it?

If you’ve ever studied martial arts or learned about the basic concepts behind them, you know that when force meets force, not much happens. If I force myself to stop being so forceful, I just get force-squared. Resistance increases. Everything gets harder. The power of love lies in its gentleness. Take away the resistance and you get freedom.

Stop trying to force yourself to change or be “better,” and you make way for change to evolve on its own.

I had to stop trying to be kind to myself and start applying gentleness and love. What does that look like? It means that in the moment when I am beating myself up over something, instead of adding another layer of beating myself up (for being such a jerk to myself), I recognize the futility of doing so. Instead, I say, “Wow, I notice I’m really beating myself up here.” Then, I allow myself to be exactly as I am in that moment.

The ultimate kindness is to say, “It’s okay to be exactly as I am right now.” Whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re feeling, whatever results you’re getting – none of it matters. Remember, you won’t create change with force. You’ll create change with love. And unconditional love for yourself means loving yourself where you are right now. And THAT means being kind to yourself about where you are right now.

If you’re overeating right now, it’s okay.

If you’re struggling in your business right now, it’s okay.

If you’re not achieving top quality in your efforts right now, it’s okay.

If you’re beating yourself up right now, it’s okay.

If you’re ignoring your body’s wisdom right now, it’s okay.

If you’re behind in your to-do’s right now, it’s okay.

Whatever it is, it’s okay.

Your mind might say, “Aaagh! Oh no! If I say it’s okay, I’ll turn into a blimp/never accomplish anything/never get my list done/never be pain free…etc.” I’m here to gently, kindly, remind your mind that’s not true. In fact, it’s the ONLY way that you’ll lose weight, become pain free, or accomplish what you want. Self-kindness is THE ticket. The wonderful thing is, you can be kind to yourself even when you’re not being kind to yourself. You can say, “Wow, I’m really beating myself up over eating that chocolate cake. And that’s okay.”

That’s the first step to truly being kind to you. It’s what makes the next step possible. The next step is actually saying something kind to yourself. For example:

“Of course I overate this week. It’s one of my coping skills, and I’m bound to return to it sometimes even though I know lots of great new coping skills.”

“It’s natural that I don’t feel like doing anything this week. I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard lately, and I probably need some rest.”

“Sometimes I ignore my body’s wisdom and struggle with trusting it. That’s all a part of the learning process when it comes to creating a new mind-body relationship. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure – it just means I’m learning.”

It may take some practice to learn how to say kind things to yourself. If you’re like me, you’ve had years of practice saying not-so-nice things to yourself. But the good news is, with practice, you will learn how to do it. You’ll find that the more you practice, the more unbidden kind thoughts appear in your mind. You become gentler with yourself, more compassionate, and more loving. And whatever it is you want to do in the world, I guarantee that being kind to yourself will make it easier and make you more effective.

Want to start practicing now? It’s simple. Three times today, stop and ask yourself these questions:

What is the kindest thing I could say to myself right now?

What is the kindest thing I could do for myself right now?

Repeat that process for a couple weeks and you’ll see that it becomes easier and easier to think of kind words and acts, toward you.

Today just so happens to be my birthday. My gift to me is threefold. 1) Saying kind things to myself today. 2) Doing things that feel kind and enjoyable today. 3) Sharing with you about self-kindness. I know that the kinder you are to you, the more you’ll spread love and kindness in the world. And that’s a gift for all of us.

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Posted in Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 9 Comments »

Want to Heal? Be a Hot Mess.

Thursday, December 1st, 2011

Grief BlanketRight now, I have a group of coaches taking my Mind-Body Coach Training. They’ve been thrown into what I call The Mess as they experience the first part of the training. This just means that they are learning how to feel emotions, what to do with body tension and pain, and discovering that their minds have the ability to create a lot of extraneous stress.

I’m impressed with them, because they are definitely mind-body troopers. They are sticking with the process, digging in to The Mess, and willingly learning about themselves so that they can guide future clients through The Mess with aplomb.

They’ve been practicing taking self-pressure off and actually letting their bodies lead the way. There have been many aha’s as they start to see where they’ve been judging themselves, beating themselves up, and pushing against what their bodies were telling them.

This is probably the most important survival technique for The Mess. The Mess is messy – there’s no doubt about it. If you’ve stored emotions in your body for any length of time, or if you’ve denied deep inner truths, the self-awareness process toward joy and health simply has to start with a big ol’ Mess. Most people go through The Mess as they begin the mind-body healing process, regardless of their goal. Whether they want pain relief, weight loss, more confidence, or simply a kinder relationship with themselves, it all starts with The Mess. (Interestingly, when I started investigating my bladder syndrome, interstitial cystitis, I found that it was commonly linked with a fear of letting go. When I finally allowed myself to let go and enter The Mess, normal bladder function returned.)

Then, as life goes on, most people experience versions of The Mess every time they start to make a new shift, personal growth curve, or delve into another inner-truth awakening. It’s like a spiral – every time you go through The Mess, you come out on a new level, but you continue to spiral around, up and through another Mess every time you’re ready for a new you to be born.

Here’s the good news: it gets easier. Once you know about The Mess, you can approach it with self-kindness. The Mess is not the time to force yourself or push yourself or achieve any major award-winning accomplishments. It’s a time to cocoon, to go inward, and to create a safe space in your home where you can actually let yourself be a mess.

I’m writing this post because I got an email from one of the trainees. She was describing how she feels terribly vulnerable, cries a lot, and is beating herself up about it. She doesn’t want anyone else to know just how messy her Mess is. She is afraid she is alone, afraid of what others will think, and not sure what to do. I get emails like this from clients who are going through The Mess, too.

Everyone thinks that they are alone and lost when they enter The Mess. They think they’re the only one who can’t get out of bed some mornings, weeps on a moment’s notice, and has no confidence anymore. Everyone thinks they’ll never make it through the emotions, the confusion, and the sense of not knowing who they are right now.

Yet – everyone DOES make it through. They become more aligned with inner truth. They create health in their bodies. They learn how to feel so that they no longer stuff emotions in their bodies. They come alive with new confidence and sense of purpose. It’s always a beautiful transformation.

The key to The Mess is being kind. Allowing yourself to be a mess. Allowing yourself to be in this place where things feel unstable, new, uncertain, and different. Heck, there’s even slang for it these days. Check out this quote from the Urban Dictionary:

Hot Mess: When one’s thoughts or appearance are in a state of disarray but they maintain an undeniable attractiveness or beauty.

There is, indeed, a surprising beauty to accepting The Mess, because it makes you authentic. A coach friend of mine was laughing about The Mess the other day. She said, “Yeah, you have to be willing to feel, or the universe will give you a smack-down. You have to go through The Mess, where it feels like your ass is being handed to you on a regular basis.”

That pretty much sums it up.

I went through my own Mess this year, too, so trust me, I get it. I just have the advantage of knowing now, that if I surrender to the Mess, I’ll move through it more quickly. I resist it much less, and I use my mind-body tools to help me through it. I practice self-kindness.

Speaking of tools, here’s one of my secrets you might find useful for The Mess. I call it the Grief Blanket. Often, The Mess involves bringing up old grief, or even new grief. There is usually a lot of crying and a deep need to hide in a cave. I say, embrace that. It’s a great way to take care of yourself.

Here’s how:

Get a blanket that feels especially soothing and comforting. Make sure it’s large. Wrap your whole body in the blanket, and then curl up in a fetal position on a bed or the floor. (You might want some Kleenex, too.) Put the blanket over your head so that you’re now fully cocooned. Cry. Moan. Say what’s on your mind. (You might prefer to do this exercise in privacy, though I have had clients do it while on the phone with me. If someone is there, make sure they are a trusted loved one around whom you feel incredibly safe.) Give yourself this time to retreat into your cocoon and remind yourself that in there, in this moment, you are safe. Allow yourself to be a mess inside your cocoon. Let it all out. Just be. Stay in there until you truly feel ready to emerge. Return the next time you need to feel safe and let yourself be a mess.

This practice has magical qualities. There is something relaxing about letting yourself retreat, no longer trying to “hold it together” or “be okay.” Creating safety and a place to melt down allows you to move through The Mess and truly align with yourself again. It allows your body and soul to feel loved. It lets your mind know that everything is okay, even when it’s messy.

My grief blanket got a workout this year. It got me through the roughest days after my miscarriage. It helped me stay sane and available to those around me, because I was able to retreat and then return, repeatedly. I was able to get normal stuff done because I took the time to go be a giant mess under my Grief Blanket.

So – the next time you think you’re alone, are sure no-one else has ever been such a mess, imagine me huddled under my blanket, weeping and melting down. Know that you’re in good company. We all experience The Mess and we are all Hot Messes, at some point. Know that you’re not alone, and that if you can just allow yourself to be the mess you are right now, you’re actually doing really well. You’re being kind. You’re allowing yourself to grieve and feel. You’re healing.

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Posted in Emotions, Grief, Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing | 8 Comments »

Scheduling your Emotions

Thursday, October 20th, 2011

Here’s what I’ve learned in the last six months: Grief has no schedule. And, it’s highly disorganized.

What a pain!

Wouldn’t it be nice to block out ten minutes on the calendar for “Have a Good Cry/Beat on a Few Pillows” and have emotions fit perfectly into your day? Many of my clients have remarked that they long for this. Me too.

Well, here’s how much luck I’ve had scheduling my emotions during the grieving process: 0%.

I’m kind of a grief newbie, because I’ve only been through it once before, when I was twelve. My aunt passed away, and I had no clue how to grieve. Being me, I just went ahead and stuffed all of that grief down and charged forward with my life.

No, that didn’t really work.

So, in the last seven months since my miscarriage, I’ve been learning how to grieve. This week, I find that it’s hard. Yesterday was the baby’s due date. I keep thinking about what it would have been like to be giving birth, to be experiencing that major life change, to be holding my child. It’s unimaginable. Somehow, even after seven months, my mind cannot believe it’s not happening. And, at the same time, my mind cannot believe I was really pregnant.

My mind is very confused about this whole grief experience. It can’t understand it. I felt so different during the weeks I was pregnant, and then WHAM, I was back to feeling just like me again. My body was no longer taken over by strange symptoms and sudden changes. There was no baby to nurse, no end product of what was started. My mind doesn’t know what to do with that.

As a result, it does things like criticize me to death. Here’s the short list:

You should be done grieving by now.

It was just a miscarriage – other people have had much worse losses.

People will think you’re weak for still being sad/mad/whatever.

Maybe you’re not really supposed to be a mom, anyway.

Yeeek. As you can see, my mind is not helping with the grieving process. I have to rely on my emotions, instead. They help me stay healthy on all levels. So, I’ve turned everything over to them and am letting them lead me. As a result, my schedule sometimes (admittedly, thankfully, not EVERY day) looks like this:

9:00 am – Coach Client

10:00 am – Have crying attack

10:15 am – Write blog post

11:00 am – Have angry pillow-punching attack

11:10 am – Put on makeup and fix hair

Noon – Eat lunch

12:30 pm – Teach class

2:00 pm – Feel depressed. Mope around.

2:15 pm – Realize I’m pretending not to be sad. Cry.

2:35 pm – Feel sudden rush of love and joy

3:00 pm – Coach Client

Etc.

What I’ve noticed is, if I let my emotions happen, I can work around them. I can be okay with my clients because I’m having crying attacks randomly during the day. I can write a coherent blog post because I let the anger come out when it needed to.

The result of this practice? My mind pretty much throws up its hands and gives up. It quiets down and leaves me in peace.  I feel. I heal. I repeat that process.

So maybe we can’t schedule our emotions. But that doesn’t mean we can’t feel them. In fact, my hunch is that things are designed pretty darn well, after all. These emotions – they’re meant to help us stay connected to our inner wisdom. We need them. Feeling them helps us stay sane, physically healthy, and even emotionally peaceful. I notice that when I feel them, they pass quickly and I spend more time feeling calm and peaceful. It’s only ignoring them that creates buildup, stress, tension, and anxiety.

Whether it’s a quick break in the public restroom at work or a few moments in the car, time can be found to feel emotions. Even if you’re not grieving, it’s every bit as important, especially if you want your body to be healthy and pain-free. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to feel.

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Posted in Emotions, Mind Body Healing | 10 Comments »

Taking a Body Break

Thursday, October 13th, 2011

"Seriously - how could I be annoyed at this cute pooch?"

As you know from previous posts,  I’m in the middle of doing a bunch of new stuff with my business and website. It’s all very exciting and good, but it is requiring a lot of creativity at the moment. My house is littered with post-its containing snippets of ideas. When I’m at the grocery store, I find myself pausing to email myself ideas. I spend long minutes staring into space while my creative brain does its thing.

In my line of work, I’m usually creating something. I adore creating. Yet, I’ve noticed that when I create something this large, I tend toward, let’s say, a little irritability. Certain members of my household have even used stronger language, like “grumpy.” And other words.

The other day, when I found myself being annoyed at my dog for sitting there and looking cute, I knew I needed to do something. What is it about this process that brings out my inner…er, grouch?

So, I got out my trusty mind-body journal again. I sat down and had a conversation with my body, emotions, and soul. I needed to know what was going on, and where I was getting off track.

Here’s what my body said:

“This creating is great, but please stop %$#@ sitting so much!”

Here’s what my irritability said:

“Space! Create space! There’s not enough space for this process!! ARGH!!!”

Here’s what my soul said:

“You need the space to create, and then you need breaks away from it, for the gestation process to happen. Schedule large chunks of time for creating, and then also get away.”

I immediately followed all the instructions. I scheduled creative work blocks in my week. I instituted “body breaks” into my day. And I planned some social activities that have nothing whatsoever to do with coaching, writing, or websites.

I felt better. Having the creative space gave my brain a sense of relief. It could stop trying to create all the time. I also created some meditation time, away from everyone, including my dog. I realized just being alone is something I crave.

I set an alarm to ring every two hours throughout the day. When it goes off, I get up and do something physical for a few minutes. I ask my body what it wants to do. It has asked for everything from a couple yoga poses to running up and down the stairs to lying backwards over my exercise ball. It also requires daily walks right now.

I am back to enjoying my dog. I have not bitten anyone’s head off in at least 3 hours. I feel more sane. I’m having more fun creating.

What’s the moral of this story?

To me, it’s yet again the wisdom of the body. Listening to it, following its advice, and tending to its needs is making me more creative, more productive, and less stressed. From this vantage point, I look back to those years of chronic pain and my struggle to learn to listen to my body, trust its messages, and live my life based on body wisdom. Just think – what if I hadn’t learned that? Where would I be today? I don’t know, but I do know I’m grateful for the experience.

So, if you’re feeling a little off today, ask your body for some advice. Maybe you need body breaks, too. (I’ve noticed mine are really fun! And I get great ideas during them.) Maybe you need something else. All I know is, your body will tell you.

How to Ask:

Here’s an easy way to do it. Draw a quick outline of your body with your left hand. (Kind of like a chalk outline around a murder victim. Yes, I might have an addiction to detective shows.) Still with your left hand, draw a symbol, design, word, or whatever you’re called to draw inside the body outline. Let this depict any areas of physical tension or emotion.

Then, have a written conversation with your body. Use your dominant hand to represent you, and your non-dominant hand to represent the area of tension/emotion in your body. Start by asking, “What are you here to tell me?” Then, switch the pen to your non-dominant hand and answer in the voice of your tension/emotion. Depending on the response, you might need to ask further questions to clarify. Just ask whatever you feel like asking, continuing to switch the pen back and forth during the conversation. Before long, you’ll know exactly what your body is trying to tell you!

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Posted in Mind Body Healing | 8 Comments »

Your Body – Is it Saying Yes or No?

Thursday, September 1st, 2011

So much of the work I do with clients comes down to setting healthy boundaries. This was a major learning curve for me in my own life. Afraid of upsetting or angering others, I would make decisions based on external factors like someone’s approval or disapproval, or “rules” set by other people.

When I started applying mind-body concepts to my life in order to relieve pain, I discovered that my body tells me, quite clearly, when to say yes and no. It tells me exactly how to decide on everything, from personal life choices to business decisions. If I don’t say no to things that aren’t right for me, my body starts saying no to me. That’s what isn’t fun or comfortable.

Ignoring my body’s opinion about my life choices landed me into whopping amounts of physical pain, emotional distress, and mental frustration. Learning to listen to my body’s opinion taught me the way out of that mess.

That’s where most of my clients are right now – starting to learn how to listen to their bodies. If you’re working on that, too, this post is for you! Your body is the conduit for soul wisdom. You take in so much more information than you really know, day in and day out, and I see your soul as a vast being giving you wise and loving directives based on all of this information. You, in your body, are just one small element of who you really are. You, as a whole, are a soul.

In Celtic spiritual traditions (which I adore, so you’ll see me write about them a lot!), the soul is seen as much bigger than the body. Yet, the body is vital in allowing you to bring your soul-self into this physical existence, giving you timeless wisdom, information about what is truly right for you, and helping you carry out your life purpose.

So, when your body says yes or no to something, it’s really telling you what your oh-so-wise soul knows. This is some seriously powerful knowledge. Follow that soul wisdom wherever you go, and you’ll be astonished at what you can accomplish, from your own health to creating a joy-filled life in general. It sounds a little crazy or over the top, maybe, but as a person who is living it, I have to tell you that it’s real.

My life is so good right now that I don’t even know how to describe it to you. I look back to where I used to be, when I wasn’t listening to my body or myself at all, and I hardly recognize that person. Who was she? She wasn’t the real me. Now, I am fully me. Sure, I have frustrations or struggles, but I stay me throughout them. I know how to wade through the muddy stuff without getting lost or losing myself. This means I return to joy, to peace, to health, to calm, to love, over and over again. This means my dreams really do come true. This means I get to do my life, my way, and feel free.

Since this boundary thing can be a little frustrating to learn sometimes, this fall I’ve teamed up with Koelle Simpson, fellow coach and master of teaching boundaries. (Technically, she claims she doesn’t teach anything, because the horses she uses throughout her workshops do all the real teaching.) Koelle and I created the Energize Your Life Workshop to help you regain energy and YOU by setting healthy boundaries. It’s been filling up fast, so we are planning another one for March. (Stay tuned for that one!) If you need to connect with your body, learn how to listen to it, and practice setting clear and healthy boundaries, then these workshops are designed just for you!

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Posted in Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 2 Comments »

Feeling Bad? Have a Tantrum!

Thursday, August 25th, 2011

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know the drill. You know you have to feel emotions that arise on a daily basis, because avoiding and therefore storing them in your body creates tension and pain. Obviously, no one is going to be perfect at feeling emotions. However, I, like you, have the goal to feel as pain-free and healthy as possible. This keeps me motivated to continually allow myself to have emotions, albeit imperfectly.

Every now and then, I fall back into the don’t-feel mode. I start making self-judgments like “I should be okay with this already,” or “I shouldn’t get THAT angry, for heaven’s sake…”  This usually means there is something I REALLY need to feel, and I am busy convincing myself I am fine, it’s all good, and I’ll just attend to a few more emails instead of stopping to feel.

This past month, I noticed creeping tension accumulating in my back, and I knew I needed to feel something. I did some avoiding, then some distracting, and a little bit of eating. Strangely, none of that magically eliminated my tension. Finally, I took a deep breath and dove into my own psyche. I should have known. It was stored anger.

For me, anger is the hardest emotion. I’ve worked for years to allow sadness, and now I can pretty much allow myself a good cry whenever I need it. I’ve gotten much friendlier with fear, and I can allow it to be present for the most part. Anger, on the other hand, is almost always the culprit when I say to myself, “Gosh, I just don’t KNOW what I’m feeling. Hmmm. What on EARTH could it be?”

I believe deeply in honoring emotions, the body, and the mind and how they work together. I decided I needed some help accessing what was stored in my body. I booked an appointment series with my chiropractor, who also does intense (by that I mean hideously painful) myofascial and deep tissue release. If I had any anger stored in my muscles and tissues, he would definitely help it start to flow.

After last week’s session, I drove home (blinking the tears of pain out of my eyes – the man has thumbs of steel) and got back to work. He’d done a new type of fascial release that hurt so much I thought I would pass out. He attacked muscles on the top of my head that were highly offended by the assault. Yet, it felt oddly good afterward. I sat, typing away at my desk.

Suddenly, a tsunami of anger exploded into my awareness. Wow. I did some Conscious Complaining, I felt it, I talked to a fellow coach. I thought I was doing pretty good, allowing the anger to flow. Yet, the muscle tension was still there. I was a little puzzled.

A couple of days later, I was visiting my mom, chatting with her in the kitchen. I told her about the anger explosion, and she said, “Oh, yes, I like to have tantrums when that happens.” I’ve tossed around the word tantrum before, but I had a sense something really good was about to be revealed. Sure enough, she began to demonstrate, and something indescribable came over me. It was a sense of relief, a giant easing of years of tension. It was permission to let go. She really got INTO the tantrum. She yelled. She mocked. She moved her whole body. It was spectacular, and impossible not to join in. Pretty soon I was having a tantrum, too. I was shaking all parts of my body, I was being a three-year-old, and I was letting it all out. It was kind of like a tantrum dance, though lying down and kicking our legs was still involved. (Stolen from the classic 3-year-old tantrum move.)

The tantrum came to a natural close, because we couldn’t continue long without exploding into fits of laughter. It was possibly the funniest thing, ever. I so wish you could see my mom having a tantrum. She is gifted. She is a genius. She knows how to let herself have the moment. How many times do we stop ourselves and say, “I shouldn’t really feel/think x….” when we just need a two-minute tantrum?

We like to think we’re adults now, and tantrums are a 3-year-olds prerogative. Not so. There is nothing more freeing than letting loose your inner 3-year-old. I imagine that, like us, you’ll have a hard time not laughing when you’re done with your tantrum, especially if you really let yourself get into it. (I highly recommend grabbing a friend who’s willing to explore the tantrum concept, too. It’s more fun with company.)

It might seem silly, but a tantrum done well is actually one of the most healing things you can do for yourself. First, you get to combine Conscious Complaining (at the top of your lungs, no less, or in scathing, mocking tones – soooo fun) with moving your whole body. There is something hugely powerful about that. Second, you get to shake, punch, kick, and otherwise pummel the air, releasing actual stored energy from your body. Third, you get to feel whatever you’re feeling, and it’s much easier to let it flow when you’re really getting into it physically. Fourth, you get to laugh at the end, which is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself in general.

Not five minutes after my tantrum, my back loosened up. I felt lighter. I felt happy. I felt awake. My body was alive, fluid, and strong.  I was present. I told my mom she is a genius. She said she learned it from me, when I was a three-year-old. When I had tantrums as a kid, she used to join in, because, well, why not? My mom GETS kids, in a way that no one else I know does. She knows that you’ve just got to have the tantrum, and trying to stop it is futile. She knows that a little company during a tantrum makes it that much better. Somehow, I forgot, as my adult self, this gem of wisdom. I am grateful to have recovered it.

I guess, for some reason, we always try to be so grown up. Why is that? Kids have way more fun. They are naturals at feeling and moving on, no stored tension necessary. Whatever changed you and me from a freely feeling four-year-old to a hold it in adult (yes, there are many experiences in life that, unfortunately, facilitate that process), it’s time to recapture our kid genius.

I tried to get Mom to make a tantrum video, but she was a little shy. Maybe I’ll coerce her to give Tantrum Workshops with me. Somehow, I hope to convey her genius to you, because I think you’ll benefit in a huge way. For now, the written word is the best I can do. I’ve learned from the master, but I don’t consider myself a fully trained tantrum instructor just yet.

How to Have a Conscious Tantrum

1)     Queue up the issue you’re upset about in your mind. (If you don’t know what it is, that’s fine – you can start with the feeling instead.)

2)     Start moving. Wiggle your shoulders, shake your arms, make air punches – just do anything your body wants to do. Keep moving.

3)     Start complaining about whatever it is, or anything. (If you don’t have an actual complaint, you can just make noise, too.) Stoop to your lowest levels. Say what you really want to say but aren’t letting yourself express. Use your bitchiest voice. Then yell. Get snarky. Mock. Whine. Judge. Channel your inner toddler. (Keep moving.)

4)     Feel whatever emotion is there. Say what you feel. (Keep moving.) Let your movements express what you’re feeling in whatever way feels right. Be the drama queen. Go way over the top.  (This will facilitate step 5.)

5)     Laugh hysterically at yourself.

I really can’t recommend this enough. I employed it yesterday while having a wardrobe meltdown. (These recur at a regular monthly interval for some odd, completely inexplicable reason…) I felt completely hysterical about all of my clothes, and spent a good several hours ruminating on how awful they all look, before I remembered the Conscious Tantrum Technique. Ahhh, sweet relief. (Now seriously, aren’t you just a little intrigued by a tool that is powerful enough to release PMS mania? You’ve gotta try it.)

So, I encourage you to be a toddler when you need to feel through something. Have the moment. Let yourself go there. Let it all hang out. Stoop to your lowest levels. Then, you’ll rise up on the sweet aftermath, with laughter to carry you home – to you.

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Posted in Emotions, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 16 Comments »

I Surrender

Thursday, July 28th, 2011

I just got off the phone with ten incredible, amazing people. I’ve been blessed that way, lately. Last week I got to coach and teach at the Martha Beck Master Coach Intensive in Huntington Beach, CA. I spent four days in the presence of brilliant coaches taking their final steps in the six-month long Master Coach program. This week I watched my own Mind-Body Coaches finish up their training with me. I am surrounded by these truly magnificent people who are serving the world each in their own unique way.

It’s been a couple weeks of endings. I find sadness welling up in my throat, because though I know we’ll interact and meet again in different ways, these platforms of connection are now coming to an end. Though I’d love to sit around and be a part of amazing growth and transformation with groups of brilliant coaches all the time, I also recognize that it wouldn’t really be great for them. They’d never get to go out and embark on their own journey, or lead their own groups. So with each experience, an end must come to create a new beginning.

It’s been a year of beginnings and endings already, for me. In January, it was the beginning of pregnancy and motherhood. In March it was the end of the pregnancy, much sooner than I had expected. Then it was the beginning of opening up to the messages in that experience and the changes I needed to make within myself before moving forward again. Shortly after that, there were a few endings within my coaching business, followed abruptly by new beginnings I could not have foreseen. (Such as being hired to be the Life Coach Training Coordinator for Martha Beck Inc.)

I feel a bit as though I have beginning/ending whiplash. Change has come so fast this year, in so many ways. I’ve had to really perfect the art of surrendering, which is no easy feat, I must say. So, in this moment, I am sad that this year’s group of mind-body coach trainees is leaving the nest. But I surrender to the experience and am letting go.

I first learned the art of surrendering when I was in physical agony. I was tortured by interstitial cystitis for years, and then wound up with vulvodynia as well. I hated my body, wanted all the pain to just leave, and fought like mad against the experience. Until I simply couldn’t fight anymore. I often say that the universe had to wonk me over the head before I would surrender and allow myself to have the experience I was already having – in that case, pain. That’s the funny thing about surrendering; it’s about laying down the weapons in the battle against what is.

I remember literally lying down on the couch and saying, “Okay, I give up.” But I wasn’t giving up on everything. I was just giving up the fight. I knew I had to stop trying so hard and just let the experience teach me what it was teaching me.

If this sounds hard, it’s because it kind of is. Yet, it’s also easy, in a strange way. It’s so much easier to surrender than to fight. It’s easier to say, “Okay, I am willing to have this experience that I am having right now” than to clench every muscle in combative argument against it.

If you’re dealing with anything stressful or hard in your life right now, don’t forget that surrendering is an option. You can set down your boxing gloves and say, “Okay, I allow this to happen right now.” It doesn’t mean you’ll suffer forever. In fact, your suffering will end much sooner. As soon as I stopped fighting the pelvic pain syndromes, the way out arrived in the form of mind-body healing.

On the day that I miscarried, I knew something was wrong. All day, I fought that knowledge. I avoided the knowing. I tried so hard to not have the experience that I knew was coming. Finally, as the evening wore on, I remembered the surrender option. I told my husband we had to talk about the possibility that I was going to miscarry. So we did. And we knew, in that moment, that we could handle it, no matter how painful it would be. As soon as we aired that, I was able to say, in my heart, “I surrender. I allow myself to have this experience.” Ten minutes later, the miscarriage happened. I let go. I let the universe take over, and I trusted.

Sure enough, we did survive. We could handle the grief, the pain, and the loss. That’s the thing; that which we fight, even though it is painful, is always something we can handle. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s painful. But it’s ever so much more painful to fight than to surrender.

Though I often write my blog posts with a particular client question in mind, today’s post is written for me. I am the client today. Because now that my body, mind, and spirit are healed from this experience, I arrive at a new doorway. A new beginning. A place to start anew. But to embark on this motherhood journey again, there’s something I have to do. I have to surrender. I have to say, “Okay, I am willing to have this experience, whatever it may be, and I trust that what is right will happen.” Coming on the heels of the miscarriage, a new pregnancy sounds a little scary. Maybe difficult. Maybe not such a good idea. Yet, when I really look inside, it’s not the experiences that could happen that scare me. It’s the pain of not trusting, not surrendering, and not letting go that is terrifying.

It’s time to surrender to my own inner wisdom, to the wisdom of mother nature and the universe, and to life itself. I can’t know anything with my human mind about what will come, but I can trust my soul to guide me somewhere good. Yes, there were endings this year, but they made way for beginnings. There is innate wisdom in this process that I could never have seen in advance, but for which I am now grateful. So, if you, like me, are standing on the edge, peeking through a new doorway, or are just plain tired of fighting, here’s your invitation to surrender. I surrender to the experience of pregnancy again, whatever it brings. Would you like to join me in this surrendering experience? What are you surrendering to? I would welcome the company.

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Posted in Interstitial Cystitis, Martha Beck, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Vulvodynia | 14 Comments »

What Do You Want Today?

Thursday, July 7th, 2011

Pain is the ultimate waker-upper. There’s probably a real word for that, but I can’t think of it right now. Waker-upper works, because it’s actually pain’s job description. Whether it’s physical pain, emotional pain, or mental pain, it makes you sit up and take notice. Yeah, I know – what a seriously annoying alarm clock!

Yet, good old pain is really trying to help you out. It’s just that sometimes we’re not clued in to what it’s trying to say. We’re awake, but we’re mainly focused on getting the damn alarm to stop buzzing.

One of the MAJOR messages behind physical and all other pain is this: You are somehow, somewhere, not admitting important wants or needs to yourself. You are not fully letting yourself be who you really are. You are squelching something, somewhere, within you.

My fave new phrase is: you are not letting your soul sing. As a musician, I just love the idea that we all have a unique soul song. The world is our stage, where we all get to make music, and we all get to sing our unique soul songs. Then we get to join together and make really cool harmonies. It’s a soul choir, this human experience!

If you’re not letting yourself admit your own needs and wants, you can’t truly sing. And I, for one, want to hear your song. Nothing is more uplifting than spending time with a person who lets themself be fully who they are. Think about it. Don’t you know someone who just IS who they are? Aren’t you just magnetized to them?

Of course, there are levels of letting your soul sing. You might start quietly, with a pianissimo. Eventually, you’ll get a little louder. Mezzo-forte, in musician speak. Then, eventually, you’ll be blasting a full-on forte. It doesn’t matter. Sing quietly, start softly, but sing.

How, you ask?

Start now by asking yourself what you actually, truly, really want in this moment. Then do it. Repeat.

Huh. That’s awfully simple. It’s a real head-scratcher, alright. Because it actually works. Yes, everyone around might think you’re crazy/silly/loony/insert your word here. I really can’t imagine why this would be more important than you letting your soul sing, especially if you are experiencing the waker-upper face-slap from pain. Really – would you rather squelch yourself and feel awful but deny it and pretend everything is okay until one day you have screaming pain of some kind and can’t get rid of it? Or…let people say what they will and enjoy the freedom of taking care of yourself honestly, deeply, and truly by doing what you actually want to do. Day by day.

I’m teasing you a little just because I’ve done it too. I’ve smooshed, squelched, squashed, shoved, and otherwise ignored major and important parts of myself. Until my body refused to let me do it anymore. Until my physical, mental, and emotional anguish was too much, and I had to start being the real me. Until singing my soul song was essential to my well-being.

Yes, I still sing quietly sometimes. It’s not about doing it perfectly. It’s just about singing. It’s just about letting your soul out of self-imposed prison.

So – what do you want, right now? Honor it. You are the only one who can truly bring what you want into your life. It’s time to start. Or, maybe it’s just time to do it more often.

I’m not kidding. What do you want? Tell me in the comments below! Sometimes it helps you start when you write it down or say it out loud.

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief, Vulvodynia | 8 Comments »

Stress Relief: There’s an app for that

Thursday, June 9th, 2011

I’ve been writing a lot about stress lately, because it’s a universal issue we all face. There are many underlying causes of stress, one of which is perfectionism, which I’ve addressed in the last couple of weeks. If you enjoyed the Three Simple Steps to Calm Your Inner Perfectionist post, you might want to check out this video by Martha Beck. It’s fantastic!

This thing we call stress seems to interfere with our feel-good on a daily basis. Yet, what exactly is it? It’s not an emotion, though we often think of it as one. One of my favorite authors, Karla McLaren, explains that stress is the result of not knowing what our emotions are, in this moment. Avoiding or suppressing them results in an internal sense of pressure building, like steam collecting in a pot with no release mechanism. Pretty soon, the lid starts to rattle and water splashes down the sides of the pot onto the stove. If you’re cooking, this is the point where you dash into the kitchen and turn down the heat.

This is exactly what you can do for yourself, too, when internal pressure builds and you’re a moment away from snapping at your spouse simply for existing. When you feel the urge to say, “I’m so stressed,” it’s time to turn down the heat. The quickest way to do that for humans includes taking a few deep breaths, resting for a minute, and finding a way to connect to what you’re actually feeling. Take a moment to find out what is in your pot. Is it an anger-fear stew? Is it sadness with a dash of anxiety?

If the pressure has been building for a while, it’s likely you have a mix of things going on. First, you’ve probably been suppressing or avoiding emotions that want to surface. The effort it takes to hold those at arm’s length builds internal pressure. Second, you’ve probably been using a lot of mental effort to figure out how to deal with current problems in your life. This means you are likely not connected to your inner intuitive genius, or wisdom. This leaves you feeling a bit lost, disconnected from yourself, and yes – stressed.

If it’s come to that point, you can employ a technique that takes advantage of technological advances and knowledge of the human brain. When you are thinking hard in problem-solving, analyisis mode, your brain is producing what is called beta brain waves. If we hooked you up to an EEG, you’d see the results on-screen; your electrical activity in your brain would be largely beta brainwaves. When your brain produces excessive beta brainwaves, you start to feel frazzled and stressed. You lose touch with your emotions and your intuitive awareness. It’s time to help your brain shift into alpha or even theta brain waves, which feel relaxed, gently alert, creative, and peaceful. In this mode, you can access stored emotions, reconnect to your inner genius, and release stress. (There is a fourth type of brain wave – delta – but you experience that primarly while asleep.)

There are many ways to shift your brainwave patterns, but one of my favorites is to put on a pair of headphones and listen to what is called “binaural beats.” Here’s the Wikipedia definition for you: Binaural beats reportedly influence the brain in more subtle ways through the entrainment of brainwaves[3][8] and have been claimed to reduce anxiety[9] and provide other health benefits such as control over pain.

Many companies out there make recordings of music or ambient noise mixed with binaural beats, or of binaural beats alone. I enjoy both, and I have collected a few different CD’s and mp3’s, to say the least. My latest favorite, however, is an iPad/iPhone app called Brain Wave. I’ve tried several apps for binaural beats, but this one is my fave. It has a mix of different ambient noise choices with different binaural beat patterns. Ahh, sweet stress relief!

If you’d rather stick with regular old recordings, I highly recommend a company called Hemi-Sync. I enjoy their variety and have amassed a sizeable collection of recordings. However, there are many other companies out there, so see what resonates for you. (One caveat – if you’re transferring CD’s into iTunes, make sure your settings are set for stereo, not mono, when you do the import. Binaural beats must be listened to with headphones for maximum effect, because different beats are played in each ear.)

I’m not an affiliate of any of these recommended products. I’m just an enthusiastic enjoyer and wanted to share with you these resources that have helped me and my clients. So, if you’re feeling stressed, grab your i-something, be it iPod, iPad, or iPhone, and change your brainwaves. Let your brain rest. Then, feel what you need to feel. Sad, mad, afraid, content…whatever it may be, or whatever mix of emotions might arise. Finally, check in with your inner genius for some guidance. (I like to do this by simply asking, “Hey Inner Genius/Wisdom, what can you tell me to help me out right now?”) You’ll not only feel less stressed, but you’ll likely end up solving problems in creative, calm, and resourceful ways.

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Posted in Adrenal Fatigue, Interstitial Cystitis, Martha Beck, Stress Relief, Vulvodynia | 7 Comments »

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