Archive for the ‘Vulvodynia’ Category

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And anamsong was born…

Thursday, February 2nd, 2012

AnamsongFor the last many, many, many months, I’ve been working with an amazing team to create a new website. And more. Since it’s getting close to the great unveiling, I want to let you in on the story behind everything new.  And wow, is there ever a lot of new coming down the line! Grab a cup of tea and settle in for the tale…

Here is the story:

Once upon a time, there was a woman. She was in her late teens when she started struggling with chronic pain syndromes. She fought with interstitial cystitis for many years, then ended up with vulvodynia. These two pelvic pain syndromes nearly drove her mad. She was desperate, lost, and terrified.

Then, through a synchronous, magical moment, she was introduced to mind-body healing. She knew it was the right healing path for her, even though she had a lot to learn. It felt right, it felt empowering, and it felt important. She trusted this, dove in, and learned as much as she could. In the end, she learned how to help her body heal itself.

Meanwhile, magical healing seemed to happen in every area of her life. She gained confidence, learned to love her body, lost weight, and took steps to finally follow her passion. She started life coach training, a long-time dream of hers.

As a coach, she felt compelled to work with others who were struggling with physical pain issues. She hung out her shingle as a mind-body coach specializing in interstitial cystitis and vulvodynia. She fell in love with working with women dealing with these syndromes. They, too, felt that mind-body healing was the right path for them. All they needed was the “how to,” and the woman had spent years figuring that out. It was perfect. Client after client, she taught them how to use their mind-body connection to help their bodies heal themselves.

She ended up compiling all of her how-to knowledge into an audio course. It’s called the Healthy Mind Toolbox Audio Course, but it’s getting a new name and lovely new cover-art. Soon it will be The Mind-Body Toolbox for Pain Relief. It was so much fun to write and teach about mind-body healing that the woman kept teaching new classes, working with new clients, and writing new materials.

Soon, coaches started asking her to help them use mind-body tools with clients. Out of this, the first Mind-Body Coach Training was born. Then, other clients started showing up, asking to learn the mind-body tools for purposes besides physical healing. They wanted to improve their businesses, gain confidence, reduce stress, lose weight, and learn to love their bodies, too.

Pretty soon, the little website that had started it all was no longer speaking to just pain relief. It was piled with offerings, resources, and a hodge-podge of different things for different people struggling with different issues. Everyone who came to the site had one thing in common, though. They all wanted to use mind-body healing. They just had different types of healing they wanted to achieve.

The poor little website could no longer serve the different people arriving at its doorstep. And so, the idea to build a new one was born. But what to call it? So many people wanted to do so much with the mind-body tools. So many people already had, in fact, created success, health, weight loss, and confidence. And they’d all done it by tuning in to their bodies, their emotions, and their souls. They knew how to listen to their soul, trust it, and enjoy the healing that resulted from doing so.

And so, the woman, both a musician and a coach, realized the core of mind-body healing is really about letting your soul sing. It’s about finding your individual soul song. It’s about trusting that inner wisdom from your soul and letting it come through, full volume, in its unique way. It’s about letting yourself really be who you are meant to be, because trying to be anyone else creates pain, stress, weight gain, and low-confidence. The key to everything is trusting in your unique soul and everything it has to offer the world.

The woman, who also loves Celtic spirituality, hopped in the shower one day and got out with a whole new name. It was the name that perfectly described what she wanted to teach – this whole let your soul sing thing. It was the word “anam” (Irish for “soul”) combined with the word “song.”

anamsong

/ah-num·sông/ origin – Irish + Greek (n): 1. soul song, inner wisdom 2. The expression of your unique purpose, truth, or voice As in: What’s your anamsong: what song does your soul sing?

And just like that, the new name, the new website, and a whole slew of new mind-body materials was born. Just for you. For those of you who want to heal your bodies. For those of you who want to heal your self-confidence. For those of you who want to heal your coaching business. For anyone who wants to hear their inner wisdom, trust it, and let their soul sing. For anyone who wants to feel free, feel inspired, enjoy abundance, love, health, and joy. Really.

anamsong

Coming soon.

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Interstitial Cystitis, Vulvodynia, Weight Loss | 11 Comments »

What’s Your Big Dream?

Thursday, January 12th, 2012

I woke up on New Year’s day and immediately thought, “This is the year of big dreams.” The thought came out of the blue and had a soul feel to it. I can feel the truth and energy behind it – BIG dreams.

I count myself lucky to be in the business of helping people make their dreams come true, and I think this year is going to be the most rewarding yet. I have a feeling that lots and lots of people are going to see their dreams come true. Clients, students, colleagues, family members – it’s going to be big! I’m telling you!

So, why not get started today?

First, what ARE your big dreams?

Can you list them immediately? Do they roll right off your tongue? If not, it’s time to get cracking on your list. The first step in making big dreams come true is knowing what your dreams are. Then we can move on to making them reality.

Take a moment here to write down three big dreams. Big is a relative term, so don’t judge yourself. Whatever feels big to you is perfect. (Share them in the comments section below!)

Take a look at your list. Could you get more specific? Bigger? Let your imagination go WILD in this moment. No pressure – you don’t have to write the novel right this minute, train for your triathlon today, or build your coaching practice overnight. Right now, you’re just imagining what could be. Then, turn it up a notch. Don’t settle.

I help a lot of people with their body dreams. Many people want health, weight loss, more energy, or better sleep. Whenever we coach together around their body dreams, clients always discover more, bigger, better dreams lurking in the corners, hiding behind desires for physical well-being. Of course it’s fabulous to dream of great health. Then, go bigger. What else? Don’t just settle for good. Go for great.

I used to dream of health. But lurking behind my dream was a much bigger one. I wanted to be a life coach. I’d read Martha Beck’s books for years. I loved what she did. I wanted to do the same. Every now and then, I’d let that dream peek its nose out before hurriedly hiding it away. It seemed preposterous.

I believe that part of the health struggle many of us face is inextricably linked to big dreams. Smooshing them down just doesn’t work. Our bodies sag and drag as a result, longing to be let loose to live the lives we’re meant to live

When I got my dream of health, I found I couldn’t sweep anything under the rug and still stay healthy. I had to open that closet where I’d stored my life coaching dream. I had to pull it out, look at it, and try it on for size. Then, I had to make it happen.

I’ve gotten used to living this way. For me, every year is about making big dreams happen. I know that I can’t settle. I have to stand on my tiptoes and reach up, as high as I can, for that really cool dream on the top shelf. The best dreams seem too high, just out of reach, and a little precarious. If that’s how you feel when you think of you’re dream – you’re onto it!

Stretch yourself. Reach a little higher. Have fun! That’s what big dreams and life are all about. A lot of my big dreams came true last year, so I’m stepping it up this year. Higher. Bigger. Better. It’s about expanding to new realms, exploring the places your soul wants to go. Because that’s who’s leading this dream team – your soul. Trust it. Dare to take the steps, little or big, that it’s telling you to take. There’s no reason to wait. This is the year.

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Posted in Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing, Vulvodynia | 5 Comments »

Putting Mind-Body Healing to the Test

Thursday, November 3rd, 2011

I think this blog post might be an ode to the mind-body healing process. I’ve been reflecting lately on how incredibly grateful I am to have learned what I’ve learned about my body, my emotions, and my inner wisdom. Ten years ago, I was in agony, suffering through each day, unable to live normally and in constant pain. Vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis ruled my life. I was overweight and at war with my body. I didn’t know myself. I was depressed.

During this time, I went through an emergency surgery for kidney stones. The stones started to pass (agonizing!) but got lodged outside my bladder. This created a kidney infection and was heading toward sepsis. In a morphine haze, I was rolled into the operating room.

When I woke up from the surgery, I was in even more agony than usual. At that point and time, I didn’t know my body at all. I didn’t understand that I held constant tension in my pelvic floor muscles, causing them to be weak and somewhat out of my control. I really had to pee, but try as I might, I couldn’t relax my muscles enough to go. It was a strange and terrifying experience to have the absolute inability to relax those muscles. After several hours, I begged the nurses to give me a catheter. They looked askance at me, but finally heeded my request. (Of course everything took forever, as things do in hospitals.)

When they at last inserted the catheter, they gave me horrified looks and immediately called the doctor. My bladder had been so full that I was again in danger of severe kidney issues. Luckily, we had caught it just in time, and the antibiotics kept infection at bay. I did have to undergo two more surgeries, however, because of the complications. In the end, it took me six months to regain the ability to completely empty my bladder (with the help of self-inserted catheters – gack).

Meanwhile, I still had interstitial cystitis and vulvodynia.

Had somebody told me at the time that I couldn’t relax my pelvic floor because I continually stored emotion there and was basically walking around in full Kegel contraction all the time, I would have thought them crazy. Yet, that was exactly what was happening. Once I finally understood that the pain in my body was a result of not feeling emotions and not understanding my mind-body connection, I was able to learn how to relax my pelvic floor muscles. Over time, I was able to let go of the tension and return to health. No vulvodynia, no interstitial cystitis. I’d have the occasional symptom, but I knew it just meant I’d fallen back into old habits and needed a refresh. Every time, it only took a few days to find relief again.

This March, when I miscarried, I was able to take my mind-body techniques and knowledge and apply it yet again. The actual miscarriage was very painful, and, of course, involved the pelvic region. I had some moments of fear that it would make all the old pain rush back. So I kept using the mind-body skills I’ve learned. Three days passed and my body was still having strong, painful contractions. My body told me I needed help. When I finally got to the doctor’s office (because don’t all things like this happen in the night, over the weekend?), I learned that I’d need a D&C to help my body finish the process.

As I was rolled into the operating room, I flashed back to the last time I’d been in one – the good old kidney experience. I remembered the horror, the confusion, and the agony. I breathed, reviewed my mind-body skills, and went under.

When I awoke, all was well. My bladder functioned fine. My muscles, despite all those days of contractions, were fine and able to relax. The vulvodynia and interstitial cystitis didn’t come roaring back. I remained confident in my self-healing abilities, handling the doubts, fears, and flashbacks from the past.

Though the miscarriage and the operation were difficult emotionally, and I was grieving, I still felt supremely grateful for my mind-body healing tools. They got put to the test in a big way. They worked. It was all a huge confirmation that my pelvic floor (which was formerly diagnosed with pelvic floor dysfunction) is doing just fine now, and I’m no longer at war with my body.

I know how to handle my emotions now. I know how to listen to my body. I know how to follow my inner wisdom. I’m healthy. My body can go through something physically traumatic and recover quickly. And I know that the mind-body tools (which I use all the time) are always there for me. It’s a good feeling. My life, right now, is so incredibly good that words don’t do it justice. I love myself. I love my body. My body and I work together through experiences like miscarriage and surgery, and hopefully, someday, childbirth. I feel like we’re really intimate friends who can talk about anything to each other.

It took me a while to process through all the emotions from this experience to be able to write about it. I had a lot of grief to go through, first. All the while, though, I was planning to eventually tell you this story, because it really illustrates the power of mind-body healing. I hope that it gives you hope, whether you’re wanting pain relief, weight loss, or just a better relationship with your body. In the end, developing mind-body skills will serve you well on all fronts. And thus ends my ode to mind-body healing, at least for now.

This post is dedicated to Kathleen Barratt, who taught me how to breathe.

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Posted in Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing, Vulvodynia | 10 Comments »

My Soul Song

Thursday, August 11th, 2011

Last week, I wrote about knowing with your intuition versus intellect, because that’s what I’m surrendering to more and more every day. A year ago, I was sitting here at this same desk, planning last year’s Mind-Body Coach Training. I was imagining a great group of trainees, fixing up the forum where they would interact, and sending out the announcements in my newsletter. I thought I knew exactly what my plans were for the next couple of years. I’d train one last round of coaches. I’d build a new website, and I’d continue creating with my business partners. I’d scale back my own business and do a lot more collaboration. I moved forward quickly, as usual, with all of my plans.

There was just one, tiny problem.

I wasn’t listening to my soul. Oops. I am really, really good at suppressing my true feelings and not listening to my inner-most guidance. This is why I focus on the practice of trusting and following my own inner wisdom so much. I can so easily forget this and barrel forward, ignoring important signals from inside myself.

I’ve been down this road before, of course. Many years ago, my body had to wake me up to this pattern of ignoring myself by literally immobilizing me with physical pain. I grudgingly began to listen to its messages and actually tune in to myself. Searing pain in one’s privates is most definitely motivational. Once I realized what my body was trying to get me to do, I started down the arduous and yet incredibly rewarding path of learning to like and love both myself and my body.

Yet, like any relationship, my relationship with my body and self is always evolving. Just when I think I’m pretty darn tuned in, I find a whole new layer of awareness I had no idea was there. To be honest, I think this actually delights me. How endlessly fascinating it is to never be done discovering new truths, depths, and information about one’s self! It’s not always comfortable. It’s not always a walk in the park. However, the rewards of going deeper, being willing to surrender to new levels of personal truth, and being ridiculously honest with yourself are absolutely worth it.

As usual, my body helped me out last year. It took on the miraculous and amazing project of nurturing a child inside it. As soon as I became pregnant, I became a mother. Wild hormones raced through my body, and I felt the urge to act like a grizzly bear with her cub, even though said cub was not even born yet. One day I took my niece to a movie and nearly murdered a woman who spoke rudely to her.  Quite suddenly, a new me was born. Mother Bear was awakened.

When I miscarried, the mother inside me did not go away. She remained. And something really spectacular took place. She nurtured me. She taught me even more about being compassionate with myself, setting boundaries, saying no, and treating myself with the same kind of honest, powerful mother-bear energy I would use for my child.

I got really honest with myself. I changed everything that wasn’t feeling right. I made new business decisions and decided to focus on my individual business and do less collaboration. I hired help in my business. I got inspired to create a whole new body of mind-body tools to use with my clients, my coach trainees, and myself. (I’d road tested them during my grieving process, and they really helped.)

Why am I telling you all of this? Because it just goes to show – this process of tuning in to your body, emotions, and soul is never done. It’s okay to be on this journey for a lifetime and never be perfect at all of this. Because you just can’t underestimate the power of taking a few moments to check in with your body, emotions, and soul. There is always something new to learn. There is always a new layer of deep peace awaiting you, right across the swamp of discomfort.

So, here I am again, one year later, sitting at my desk and preparing the new Mind-Body Coach Training.  I was seriously kidding myself when I thought I wouldn’t do another one. I love training coaches. I love watching them go out and use mind-body tools with their clients. I love watching them transform their own lives as they go through the training. It’s probably my favorite thing to do, above all else.

I’m also writing a new audio/visual product that will allow you to deepen your own mind-body process. I’m getting a whole new website built, and it’s completely different from what I thought it would be. I’ve also been hired to run Martha Beck’s Life Coach Training.

Nothing – not ONE little thing – looks like I thought it would when I envisioned this year. Everything – every SINGLE little thing – feels fabulous and perfect now. What if I hadn’t trusted myself? What if I hadn’t listened when my body asked me to?

I might not be in this moment, doing all these things I love. I might not know myself this much more. I might not have let my soul really sing, like it is now.

But I did it. I did listen. I paid attention to discomfort. I tuned in, even though there was pain, grief, sadness, anger, and fear. And now I AM here, in this moment. This is why it’s all worth it. This is what my soul was guiding me toward. Every time I go through this process in a big way, it turns out like this. Every time I tune in to myself in little ways, throughout the day, it turns out like this. It’s better than good. It’s more delicious than any delicacy. It’s challenging, engaging, and interesting, to be willing to live wide-awake like this. What can you learn from yourself, today, for you?

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Interstitial Cystitis, Martha Beck, Mind Body Healing, Vulvar Pain, Vulvodynia | 5 Comments »

Letting Go of Knowing

Thursday, August 4th, 2011

Hope

Last week, I invited you along on my surrendering journey.  My question was this: what are you surrendering to right now? I’m surrendering to not knowing what will happen if I give pregnancy and motherhood another shot, post miscarriage. Which led me to ponder this familiar question: Do I really know anything?

There’s a doozy for my inner brainiac! What? Not know stuff?

She and I have had this discussion before, but she’s still a big fan of knowing stuff. Yet, truly, I cannot know what will happen in the next moment, much less the next day, week, month, or year. I can plan. I can intend. I can imagine. I can dream.

But I can’t know.

Aghhhhhhhh! (Inner brainiac screaming. Poor thing.)

I was trained in school to learn, study, analyze, and know. My intellect was honed and my intuition buried. Which is odd, because what I actually need, to navigate my life successfully, is a lot less intellect and lot more intuition. Because intuition actually does KNOW. It knows in a deeper, less verbal, more visceral, somewhat indescribable way. I need to lead my life with intuition, and apply my intellect to intuitive information.

I don’t know anything with my intellect. But I KNOW lots of things with my intuition. Listening to it is a little like walking a tightrope, but being willing to fall into the big, safe net below. I can be willing to let go of the need to know with my mind. I can walk this motherhood tightrope – heck, I might even attempt a little fancy flip or something. My intuition will guide me, and I will know what I need to know, when I need to know it.

Would you like to walk the tightrope with me? Maybe you’re already a mother, but maybe there’s something new you’d like to do – your version of the tightrope. Possibly your intellect would like to know everything and see how it all works out before you take the first/next step. I hear ya, sister! What would it be like to let go of the need to know, together? I have a feeling that some group energy around this might serve all of us who are open to not knowing and ready to trust our intuition more and more. What are you ready to not know?

In March, when I knew in my heart that I was about to miscarry, I felt angry at my intuition. Why tell me something like that in advance? I didn’t want to KNOW.

Except that I did want to know. I’ve spent years opening back up to my intuition, being willing to listen to that deeper voice within, and learning to trust it. I’ve opened that can of worms, and now I KNOW a lot more than I used to. It can be disconcerting, but at the same time, there’s a sense of preparedness that comes with intuitive knowing. It helped me to know I was miscarrying, even if I did have a little fight with it at first. It made it easier to surrender. In general, I trust myself a lot more now that I KNOW things.

I trust that whatever is happening, it is actually serving me, even if it’s painful or uncomfortable. I learned that big lesson from dealing with vulvodynia and interstitial cysititis. Even though I argued against those experiences for a while, in the end I saw why I needed to have them to become the person I truly wanted to be. After I saw that, I was able to trust that new painful experiences were not there to beat me down, but to help me return to myself in some way.

I’m pretty sure I’ll be returning to myself in some form or another for the rest of my life. The difference is, now I am willing to walk that humble path and trust the KNOWING rather than try to steer clear of pain by intellectually choosing my route. (I said willing, mind you. I didn’t say I do it all the time, or perfectly!) I’m willing to not know, and to KNOW. I’m willing to trust the sense of visceral understanding that sometimes cannot be put into words.

To embark on the pregnancy and motherhood path again, (though I don’t think I’ve actually veered off the path, come to think of it) I have to love my intellect, be kind to it, and then remind it that it just can’t know. Then I have to look into my heart, trust my inner guidance, and take the next step on the tightrope. Yes, I am afraid. I allow the fear to surface as I step into the unknown. I feel it. I get guidance from it. And I keep stepping.

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief, Vulvodynia | 7 Comments »

I Surrender

Thursday, July 28th, 2011

I just got off the phone with ten incredible, amazing people. I’ve been blessed that way, lately. Last week I got to coach and teach at the Martha Beck Master Coach Intensive in Huntington Beach, CA. I spent four days in the presence of brilliant coaches taking their final steps in the six-month long Master Coach program. This week I watched my own Mind-Body Coaches finish up their training with me. I am surrounded by these truly magnificent people who are serving the world each in their own unique way.

It’s been a couple weeks of endings. I find sadness welling up in my throat, because though I know we’ll interact and meet again in different ways, these platforms of connection are now coming to an end. Though I’d love to sit around and be a part of amazing growth and transformation with groups of brilliant coaches all the time, I also recognize that it wouldn’t really be great for them. They’d never get to go out and embark on their own journey, or lead their own groups. So with each experience, an end must come to create a new beginning.

It’s been a year of beginnings and endings already, for me. In January, it was the beginning of pregnancy and motherhood. In March it was the end of the pregnancy, much sooner than I had expected. Then it was the beginning of opening up to the messages in that experience and the changes I needed to make within myself before moving forward again. Shortly after that, there were a few endings within my coaching business, followed abruptly by new beginnings I could not have foreseen. (Such as being hired to be the Life Coach Training Coordinator for Martha Beck Inc.)

I feel a bit as though I have beginning/ending whiplash. Change has come so fast this year, in so many ways. I’ve had to really perfect the art of surrendering, which is no easy feat, I must say. So, in this moment, I am sad that this year’s group of mind-body coach trainees is leaving the nest. But I surrender to the experience and am letting go.

I first learned the art of surrendering when I was in physical agony. I was tortured by interstitial cystitis for years, and then wound up with vulvodynia as well. I hated my body, wanted all the pain to just leave, and fought like mad against the experience. Until I simply couldn’t fight anymore. I often say that the universe had to wonk me over the head before I would surrender and allow myself to have the experience I was already having – in that case, pain. That’s the funny thing about surrendering; it’s about laying down the weapons in the battle against what is.

I remember literally lying down on the couch and saying, “Okay, I give up.” But I wasn’t giving up on everything. I was just giving up the fight. I knew I had to stop trying so hard and just let the experience teach me what it was teaching me.

If this sounds hard, it’s because it kind of is. Yet, it’s also easy, in a strange way. It’s so much easier to surrender than to fight. It’s easier to say, “Okay, I am willing to have this experience that I am having right now” than to clench every muscle in combative argument against it.

If you’re dealing with anything stressful or hard in your life right now, don’t forget that surrendering is an option. You can set down your boxing gloves and say, “Okay, I allow this to happen right now.” It doesn’t mean you’ll suffer forever. In fact, your suffering will end much sooner. As soon as I stopped fighting the pelvic pain syndromes, the way out arrived in the form of mind-body healing.

On the day that I miscarried, I knew something was wrong. All day, I fought that knowledge. I avoided the knowing. I tried so hard to not have the experience that I knew was coming. Finally, as the evening wore on, I remembered the surrender option. I told my husband we had to talk about the possibility that I was going to miscarry. So we did. And we knew, in that moment, that we could handle it, no matter how painful it would be. As soon as we aired that, I was able to say, in my heart, “I surrender. I allow myself to have this experience.” Ten minutes later, the miscarriage happened. I let go. I let the universe take over, and I trusted.

Sure enough, we did survive. We could handle the grief, the pain, and the loss. That’s the thing; that which we fight, even though it is painful, is always something we can handle. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s painful. But it’s ever so much more painful to fight than to surrender.

Though I often write my blog posts with a particular client question in mind, today’s post is written for me. I am the client today. Because now that my body, mind, and spirit are healed from this experience, I arrive at a new doorway. A new beginning. A place to start anew. But to embark on this motherhood journey again, there’s something I have to do. I have to surrender. I have to say, “Okay, I am willing to have this experience, whatever it may be, and I trust that what is right will happen.” Coming on the heels of the miscarriage, a new pregnancy sounds a little scary. Maybe difficult. Maybe not such a good idea. Yet, when I really look inside, it’s not the experiences that could happen that scare me. It’s the pain of not trusting, not surrendering, and not letting go that is terrifying.

It’s time to surrender to my own inner wisdom, to the wisdom of mother nature and the universe, and to life itself. I can’t know anything with my human mind about what will come, but I can trust my soul to guide me somewhere good. Yes, there were endings this year, but they made way for beginnings. There is innate wisdom in this process that I could never have seen in advance, but for which I am now grateful. So, if you, like me, are standing on the edge, peeking through a new doorway, or are just plain tired of fighting, here’s your invitation to surrender. I surrender to the experience of pregnancy again, whatever it brings. Would you like to join me in this surrendering experience? What are you surrendering to? I would welcome the company.

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Posted in Interstitial Cystitis, Martha Beck, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Vulvodynia | 14 Comments »

My Body Image Journey: The Inside Story

Thursday, July 21st, 2011

I was reading fellow coach Jeannette Maw’s blog post about her belly spell this week (The belly spell really cracked me up! Soooo funny! I love Jeannette!) and it inspired this post. I have struggled for many years – my entire life, actually – with body image issues. I can remember clearly when I first started disliking my body. I was ten years old, just beginning those pre-teen, puberty-ridden years, and I saw a video of myself. I was horrified. From that day on, I fought with my body.

I do not have a traditional model body. I am not tall and thin. I am of medium height and muscular build. I tend to look fit and athletic when my body and I are getting along, but I do not weigh in at a featherweight number, ever. When I was struggling with overeating, emotional eating, and severe body dislike, my weight went up near the two-hundred pound mark.

I’ve since returned to my body’s natural weight, but even after the experience of actually being overweight, I struggled to like my body. I kept thinking it should look like the “ideal.” Yet, even when I went on strict diets, my body would drop maybe two to five pounds below my natural weight and then I would get sick. It was clearly a fight that simply didn’t need to be fought. My body is perfectly happy weighing 143 pounds. It is my mind that argues with that.

Much of my personal mind-body work has been directed at this body image issue. I longed to love my body instead of fight my body. For many years, I thought this meant I had to change my body. Then I realized I had to change my relationship with it instead. I had to connect to it, learn to live in it, learn to listen to it, learn to feel my emotions, and recognize mind-stories that weren’t serving me. (Like “I should look like a model.”)

I started to see that stressing about my weight and body was one of my biggest ways to run from my emotions and avoid facing feeling them. It was what I call a decoy – something that successfully occupies me so I simply have no attention left for my emotions. All of this self-awareness combined started to help me love my body more and more. I didn’t love it every day, but I was tipping the balance way more to the love side.

Then, something happened. In January this year, I got pregnant. I was so excited, and so very ready to embark on the motherhood journey. I was excited to experience the changes in my body and the magic of growing a baby in my belly. Like Jeannette, I’ve often wished for a flatter belly, but I was willing to let it expand to hold a new little one inside me.

It was a little disconcerting to notice my jeans fitting more snugly. At only six weeks pregnant, I started to feel somewhat puffy. Then at eight weeks, there were some clothing items that were downright stretched. At nine weeks, I was pretty sure I’d need some new clothes soon, and the waistband of my favorite jeans was uncomfortably tight.  I could feel my backside expanding, too. While I understood it was necessary, I admit to a wince or two after glancing over my shoulder into the mirror.

At nine and half weeks, I miscarried.

The shock was unbelievable. The grief was overwhelming. The physical pain was tiring. I felt empty in my belly, lost in my heart, and just…sad. I was so ready to be a mom. It felt like there was a hole in that mom-space I’d created, both internally and externally. My body was tired and aching, my mind confused, and my emotions strong.

Even as I grieved, I could see the power in my body’s wisdom. It was aware of things I couldn’t know, and it knew this pregnancy wasn’t a go, for whatever reason. I didn’t have to know the details in my mind to feel that my body knew best. I let it do what it needed – sleep, rest, and cry.

After a few weeks, I started going back to my normal routine. Letting the grief flow allowed me to start healing, allowed my body to start regaining energy, and I began to feel like I was almost alive again. I had moments of joy shine through the fog of grief.

One day, I put on my jeans to run an errand. I’d mostly been wearing yoga pants for my resting, sleeping, and grieving phase. I slipped the jeans on, threw on a shirt, and started for the door, purse in hand. Something in that movement caught my attention. My jeans weren’t tight. The waistband wasn’t cutting into my belly anymore. There was room to move in them.

I felt the loose jeans from my belly straight to my heart – a visceral, shocking, upside-down moment.

I set down my purse and cried.  I ached for that tight-jeans feeling. I wanted it back. I wanted my belly to still be expanding. I wanted my backside to be popping seams. I wanted to be shopping for maternity clothes. I didn’t want my jeans to be loose at all. Once of my lifelong desires simply vanished in that instant. I could have cared less how I looked, how thin I was or wasn’t, or what anyone in the world thought of my body. I could have cared less for fashion or the shape of my waist, or any of it. It all paled in comparison to the longing for what was lost.

I never thought I’d be sad because my jeans were loose. I never thought I’d see my body from that vantage point. But because I did, I have something powerful to hold in my mind. Because life goes on, you know. I now have the same old thoughts pop up about how I look in my pants, whether I’ve gained a pound or lost a pound, why my belly can’t just magically transform itself to something much cuter, what dreadful fashion designer cooked up the latest non-flattering style on purpose just to torture me. They come into my mind. And sometimes they bug me for a day or two.

But then I can simply remember. I can drop back into that moment when I was heartbroken that my jeans were loose. I am grateful for that moment, because it gave me a new relationship with my body. I saw what my body can do – it can grow life in it! How amazing! It can heal from loss. It can serve me, every day, even if I’m angry with it. It doesn’t have to look like any prescribed ideal to be completely, totally perfect. Yes, it changed even from a short pregnancy. Yes, I am a little older these days than in my teen years. Yes, I have a wrinkle or two.

But in the end, my body is healthy. We’ve been through chronic pain together, she and I, and now we’ve been through this, too. She’s a war-horse. She’s strong. She still takes to the jogging path and the hiking trail with energy and enjoyment, even after all she’s experienced. I’m impressed. She bounces back. She brings me daily enjoyment in so many different ways. Without her, I’d have no home for my soul. I wouldn’t have a voice, a mind, a heart. I need her. She needs me.

So we’re working together, my body and me. We’re on the same team. Even if we have the occasional disagreement, our relationship is much improved. The war is over. I love her. She’s always loved me. We’re friends.  And she hasn’t dropped a single pound or shed an ounce of fat for me to come to this place of connection, love, and peace. She carried a baby for me. She took care of me. She was there. And truly, that is all I need.

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Posted in Body Image, Interstitial Cystitis, Miscarriage, Motherhood, Vulvodynia, Weight Loss | 27 Comments »

What Do You Want Today?

Thursday, July 7th, 2011

Pain is the ultimate waker-upper. There’s probably a real word for that, but I can’t think of it right now. Waker-upper works, because it’s actually pain’s job description. Whether it’s physical pain, emotional pain, or mental pain, it makes you sit up and take notice. Yeah, I know – what a seriously annoying alarm clock!

Yet, good old pain is really trying to help you out. It’s just that sometimes we’re not clued in to what it’s trying to say. We’re awake, but we’re mainly focused on getting the damn alarm to stop buzzing.

One of the MAJOR messages behind physical and all other pain is this: You are somehow, somewhere, not admitting important wants or needs to yourself. You are not fully letting yourself be who you really are. You are squelching something, somewhere, within you.

My fave new phrase is: you are not letting your soul sing. As a musician, I just love the idea that we all have a unique soul song. The world is our stage, where we all get to make music, and we all get to sing our unique soul songs. Then we get to join together and make really cool harmonies. It’s a soul choir, this human experience!

If you’re not letting yourself admit your own needs and wants, you can’t truly sing. And I, for one, want to hear your song. Nothing is more uplifting than spending time with a person who lets themself be fully who they are. Think about it. Don’t you know someone who just IS who they are? Aren’t you just magnetized to them?

Of course, there are levels of letting your soul sing. You might start quietly, with a pianissimo. Eventually, you’ll get a little louder. Mezzo-forte, in musician speak. Then, eventually, you’ll be blasting a full-on forte. It doesn’t matter. Sing quietly, start softly, but sing.

How, you ask?

Start now by asking yourself what you actually, truly, really want in this moment. Then do it. Repeat.

Huh. That’s awfully simple. It’s a real head-scratcher, alright. Because it actually works. Yes, everyone around might think you’re crazy/silly/loony/insert your word here. I really can’t imagine why this would be more important than you letting your soul sing, especially if you are experiencing the waker-upper face-slap from pain. Really – would you rather squelch yourself and feel awful but deny it and pretend everything is okay until one day you have screaming pain of some kind and can’t get rid of it? Or…let people say what they will and enjoy the freedom of taking care of yourself honestly, deeply, and truly by doing what you actually want to do. Day by day.

I’m teasing you a little just because I’ve done it too. I’ve smooshed, squelched, squashed, shoved, and otherwise ignored major and important parts of myself. Until my body refused to let me do it anymore. Until my physical, mental, and emotional anguish was too much, and I had to start being the real me. Until singing my soul song was essential to my well-being.

Yes, I still sing quietly sometimes. It’s not about doing it perfectly. It’s just about singing. It’s just about letting your soul out of self-imposed prison.

So – what do you want, right now? Honor it. You are the only one who can truly bring what you want into your life. It’s time to start. Or, maybe it’s just time to do it more often.

I’m not kidding. What do you want? Tell me in the comments below! Sometimes it helps you start when you write it down or say it out loud.

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief, Vulvodynia | 8 Comments »

If You Feel Like a Mess, It’s Working

Thursday, June 30th, 2011

I get emails from clients like the sample below pretty much every week:

Agh! I think something is terribly wrong with me! Oh no! I am crying a lot! I feel terrible! What should I do? I can’t live like this! What if I’m never happy again!

To which I usually reply something like this:

Yay! Soooo glad you are crying and feeling your emotions! Don’t worry – this won’t last forever. It’s what we’ve been hoping to accomplish. Remember when you said you wanted to stop stuffing your emotions and actually feel them? Well, this is the beginning!

I have gained a reputation for being the coach who makes you cry. In a good way. In an “I can finally let down and let this emotion flow” kind of way. I joke about this crying coach thing with my clients, who thus far have not thrown tomatoes or eggs at me, or toilet papered my house. This may be because most of them live far, far away from Wyoming. Thankfully.

Once they get through the initial panic over actually feeling these darn emotions, however, they report feeling much, much better. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. Storing all that emotional stuff in one’s body really doesn’t feel great, takes a lot of energy, and leads to physical pain. You’ve gotta remember the reason you embarked on this mind-body healing journey, whether it was to relieve pain around issues like vulvodynia or interstitial cystitis or gain confidence and quiet the self-doubts and inner critic. You wanted to feel better. You wanted to actually let yourself have emotions. You wanted to connect to your soul wisdom, even if you didn’t know it in so many words.

Well, the first step is to actually feel those emotions you’ve unwittingly stored away. Conceptually, this sounds great. In reality, it’s very unnerving, at first. This is because you’ve spent years NOT feeling them. Trust me – as a champion emotion avoider, I have so been there. The reason we don’t want to feel these things is they are sooooooooo uncomfortable. (Along with other reasons, such as feeling vulnerable and “weak” if we let them flow.)

Like many, many things in life, when you start this process, you have to make it through the rough patch where things seem worse before they get better. In physical healing, this is often called the “healing crisis.” In the mind-body process, I just call it The Mess. It generally involves a lot of Kleenex tissue, reassuring one’s spouse that this is not an emergency, and a cave-like place to which you can retreat and blubber. A lot.  (My spouse has mentioned that spouses need a blog post on what to do with mates who are going through the mess. He too, speaks from personal experience. Possibly I’ll write that one next…)

The only reason this seems so awful, for most of us, is the panic and fear that arises from the inner part of us that thinks these emotions are not to be felt. They are to be avoided! Stuffed away! “Run now!” shouts this inner suppressor inside us. “The tears are coming! Noooooooo!”

This is what we call resistance. Resistance to feeling these emotions is normal. It’s just part of the process. You might feel it in spades or feel it just a little, but it is likely to show up nearly every time you start to really feel an emotion, especially at first. Just acknowledge this resistance, reassure it (you can talk to it like it’s your friend) that you are okay and that you will go gently into the emotion swamp.

If you can stay slightly in the role of observing yourself feel (this feels like you’re watching yourself in a movie), even as you are crying (or throwing things at your poor, unsuspecting spouse), you’ll find that the swamp is just that. It’s only knee-high. You won’t drown, you won’t feel overwhelmed, and you will make it to the other side.

Once you’ve started letting yourself feel emotions and have integrated that into your daily life, they’ll be like just a blip on the screen. Just a normal, simple, passing part of your daily existence. You’ll become a pro. You might still feel some resistance every now and then, and you won’t do everything perfectly, but you’ll feel much more at peace with emotions, and you’ll feel much more relaxed and energetic in your body. If you were in pain, it will fade away. You’ll start to feel like you know yourself. You’ll start to feel like you like yourself. And dare I say, even love yourself! You’ll find yourself having fewer bouts of self-doubt, and when those do arise, you’ll see them from a slightly detached place instead of getting totally knocked flat and immobilized.

I write all of this simply to say this: stick with it. You can do it. It doesn’t feel this hard forever. If you can get over the hump and through the muddiest part of the swamp, you’ll get back onto dry ground. It’s much easier to just keep going forward, through the discomfort, through the resistance (not forcefully – just with a steadfast willingness to go forward) than to start and then stop, over and over again. That tends to feel horrific, like you are never going to make it out of the swamp.  Martha Beck, my mentor and the original reason I became a coach, calls this process going through the ring of fire. This is an apt analogy, because it does burn hot. If you move forward, however, you don’t catch fire. You end up in what she calls the Core of Peace. Ahhhh. If you start and stop repeatedly, you end up just standing in the fire, burning. Gack. I’ve done it, and I don’t recommend it.

Keep feeling. Be willing to be a mess. Be willing to have a melt-down, even if it’s not in your schedule. (Because really, have you scheduled your melt-down time? Is it listed in your calendar between the haircut and picking the kids up from school? Didn’t think so!) Emotions are not logical, not linear, not organized. They affront our intellect with their very kindergarten-style way of doing things – so haphazard, so random, so…undisciplined. Yet, they return us to our own bodies, our own soul wisdom, and, ultimately, peace.

Embrace the mess. This too shall pass. You can do it. Stock up on Kleenex. Celebrate this sign that the mind-body process is working. Know that most people have no idea how to navigate emotions, so they may not understand what you’re doing. Reassure them that it’s okay, and don’t bother worrying about what they think. You are on the path to healing, and you will most definitely arrive. Just keep going forward, through the swamp, through the fire, and remember to breathe. You will not only survive – you will thrive.

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Posted in Adrenal Fatigue, Emotions, Interstitial Cystitis, Martha Beck, Stress Relief, Vulvodynia | 13 Comments »

Feel Better About You

Thursday, June 23rd, 2011

Confidence. Self-worth. Who doesn’t want those things? Yet, they can be oh so elusive. I’m in the middle of creating all kinds of new material to help others gain confidence, because I know what it feels like to not like myself, or to like myself and  still not feel totally confident.

So here’s a deep, dark, confidence secret. SHHHHH. Close the door. Ready?

It’s okay to not feel 100% awesome about yourself, all the time. It’s okay to be where you are, in this moment, feeling whatever you’re feeling. Part of being confident and having self-worth is knowing that you don’t have to do anything perfectly – including confidence. Even though my overall confidence has improved greatly, I still have days when I don’t feel confident.

Yet, my experience now is so different from what it used to be. Now, I am okay with not being okay. I am even okay with not really being okay with being okay. Just try to figure that one out! What I’m trying to say is – I’m in a new place of awareness about myself.  I don’t have to be on top of the world to feel good about myself. I’m not perfectly achieving anything or living a perfectly raining-rose-petals daily life, and I have in fact made approximately seven-hundred faux pas today alone. Still, even in my crappiest self esteem moments, I feel an underlying sense of peace with who I am.

I used to have the misperception that other people had it all figured out, or were perfect, or never felt bad about themselves, ever. I thought I was less than if I didn’t do things perfectly or “right,” or feel great about myself all the time. I wanted to be one of those people who had it all figured out and had risen above, somehow. I didn’t realize that the way to true confidence and self-worth traverses through the messy, human, imperfections in all of us. Having it all figured out is a myth. I didn’t know that by letting myself being imperfect and human, I’d float up to the surface and find joy.

This is why I love mind-body healing so much. I started out trying to find pain relief from vulvoynia, interstitial cystitis, and irritable bowel syndrome, and I ended up discovering gold. I discovered how to feel better about myself, how to truly ease off the pressure I put on myself, and how to love even my most human, messed-up, messy, ugly, blechy moments. Which means I can relax into my very humanness, my very imperfection, and land into a place of peace, even when I’m not doing all of this relaxing into myself perfectly. That may sound like a paradox, but it’s the best I can do to explain this at the moment.

How did this happen? Well, it was a natural expansion of using the mind-body healing process for pain relief.  The mind-body healing process essentially reconnects you to your soul. This means you can hear your soul wisdom. You can finally see yourself from the vantage point of your soul. Over time, spending more and more moments seeing from that vantage point creates a totally new perspective. The more time you consciously spend there, the more you naturally and effortlessly end up there. This means your mind spends more time telling you what your soul is saying and less time telling you tall tales. Again – it’s not about perfection. We’re just looking to tip the scales here, so that you eventually spend more time seeing how incredible, amazing, talented, and special you are and less time criticizing yourself.

If you’re having a crappy self esteem day (or month…or year…) you will be more likely to believe your mind when it tells you how awful your butt looks or how you are an idiot for messing up that presentation, etc. You will be more likely to look at others and think they have it all figured out and pulled together. (My colleague and friend Jessica Steward calls this compare and despair. How awesome is that!) Yet, even if your mind is doing that, you can step back and observe it, notice it, and know, even though you kind of believe your mind right now, that your soul sees you differently.

Your soul sees you through the eyes of love, always. It loves you unconditionally. It knows you are always okay, so it never worries about you. It knows that you are perfectly lovely, mistakes and all, cellulite and all, bad hair days and all. It sees your humanness with a mix of gentle laughter and a loving, nurturing embrace. It wants to hold you close and stroke your hair, let you cry it out, and then celebrate with you as joy returns. Your soul is like the most mothering, nurturing, loving being you can possibly imagine.

Confidence doesn’t happen when you finally get it all right, reach perfection, do it as good as so-and-so did, or attain your lofty, weighty goals. Confidence happens when you hear your soul. It happens when you and your soul are on the same page, and you let your soul sing. It happens when you spend time practicing linking up with your soul, which means connecting to your body, feeling your emotions, and consciously opening up to your soul wisdom. Not sure how to put that all together? Oh, don’t you worry! It’s coming! Stay tuned. I’m writing away like mad these days.

Suffice it to say, your soul knows the biggest secrets of all.

Here’s the first one: We are all equals. We are all geniuses. We are all amazing. We are all special. We are all unique, and have unique things to offer, in our own unique ways. No one is more incredible than someone else. We’re just all on our own individual incredible path, showing up as these fascinatingly individual people. We are all human. We are none of us superwoman, and yet we are all superwoman, at the same time. We are humanly divine and divinely human.

Here’s the second one: There’s nothing wrong with you, no matter what you think you need to change about yourself to be “better.” That’s the biggest tall tale of all. You are already okay – in fact, much more than okay – exactly as you are. Even if you committed the faux pas I committed today, even if you are still overweight, even if you spent time crying under a blanket and hiding from the world yesterday (oh yes, this still happens, even when you’ve learned to love yourself!), even if you aren’t where you think you should be with whatever is on your mind, you are loved. You are a part of this great big playground of human beings, and you get to be here, to play, even on your worst days. You are part of the whole, even as you strike out on your own to create your own, individual work in the world.

That’s how you know your own self-worth. You listen to this wise soul of yours, and you follow its guidance. What you end up with may look totally different than other people, and that’s okay. It’s about learning to trust your own unique spin on life. There is no wrong way. You can’t really avoid the wrong way or find the right way. Instead, you have to look for your individual way, as told to you by your soul. Because I’m a musician, I like to call that your soul song. Sing it, baby!

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Posted in Awakening, Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief, Vulvodynia | 6 Comments »

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