This post was written by Ann Burrish, an Endorsed Healthy Life Mind-Body Coach. She can be reached for consults and coaching at ann.burrish@gmail.com.
“Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly.” G. K. Chesterton
“Once you accept the fact that you’re not perfect, then you develop some confidence.” Rosalyn Carter
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” Anna Quindlen
“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” Leonard Cohen
“Breathe.” Abigail Steidley
I love pearls of wisdom and have never met a pun that I didn’t like, so it was natural to be thinking of favorite adages as I looked for inspiration for this week’s blog. The sayings above, which came immediately to mind, share a common theme: living in self-acceptance, ease, and authenticity.
At the same time, the painful condition of anxiety was popping up in various aspects of my personal life like mushrooms in my yard after a rainy week.
A coincidence? I think not. My Inner Wisdom was tapping me on the shoulder, helping me notice that my intention of living in that place of ease, lightness, and love was being undermined by anxiety. Interestingly, the usual suspects of fear, anger, or shame, which usually disguise themselves as anxiety, were fueled this time by a deeper layer of pain in the form of perfectionism. (Me?! A perfectionist?! The woman with the cozily messy desk, the person who suffers no embarrassment when obviously directionally challenged in exercise classes, the book group member comfortable having literally lost the plot and her words in discussions?)
Well, yes. My thoughts had started to skew towards unconscious perfectionism. I was laughing less and obsessing more. I realized that I was attacking myself with “shoulds” disguised as “wants”. Wanting not to worry, to finish a project, to generally “get it”, to be a better coach/student/teacher/family member, to be understood and loved, were actually self-judgments. I was coming up short and it was bringing me down.
This friction between these edicts and my essential self is a setup for anxiety and a ticket into fight or flight. The accompanying freeze results in procrastination and the exhaustion of being revved up with the mental brakes on, particularly unpleasant to someone who is a doer by nature.
It’s not fun and definitely not peaceful, as anyone who experiences this cycle of spinning thoughts and feelings on a regular basis knows. Right now I am consciously embracing my messy learning curve of life as, dare I say, “perfect”, and questioning what I can learn, why I have to get it right, who I need to be perfect for, and what the heck is perfect and who made that rule, anyhow?
Since anxiety is a common factor in the physical pain of mind/body syndrome, emotional eating, and the straight-up, free-floating , whack-a-mole variety of suppressive suffering, I offer the specifics of the practice that I am playing with as return to living light, with hopes that parts might be useful to you, whether or not perfectionism appears when anxiety rears it’s unpleasant and informative little head:
1) Breathe – mindfully, slowly, often (being present and in fight/flight/freeze are mutually exclusive)
2) Notice the feeling of “anxious” and lovingly, gently, and thoroughly dig beneath it. Find and greet the underlying emotions and experience them as physical sensations. Or just choose to notice those feelings instead of focusing on Anxiety. Breathe. If thoughts or other feelings arise, notice them and work them if it feels right. Or just be aware of them as thoughts and feelings – not The Truth or the Essential Me – or You.
3) Practice taking a bird’s eye or long view. Notice that what is a world of pain to you about your perceived inadequacies or less than perfect (fill in the blank) is just a blip on the radar of others’ awareness – they are busy worrying about how they appear or what is going on in their own worlds. (It’s not about you, even when it seems to be, which is great news unless you are a flaming narcissist. Which you are not. If you were, you wouldn’t be anxious.)
4) If others do judge, in the grand scheme of things, who cares?! Why do you?? Seriously. Who made them emperor?
5) If you still care, go back to 2) and practice taking the long view. Another term that’s a useful reminder for me is “perspective” – like zooming out on Google maps – where did those houses go, anyway?
6) Practice smiling (the action affects your brain in a good way) and laughing gently at the “Wow” aspects of the world, yourself, others, or at a bad pun or funny story. (It’s impossible to sincerely laugh and be in anxious fight/flight/freeze mode simultaneously – see #1.)
7) Decide to lightly jump (or take little steps) back into living your life in the moment for just this moment.
And finally, here’s my not totally enlightened but sometimes helpful starter thought to get out of my lizardy and self-critical be-more/better mindset, courtesy of Bette Midler:
“_____ ‘em if they can’t take a joke.”
If your thoughts are a little higher on the food chain of empowerment, “Hug ‘em” might feel good and true, too.
May your heart and flight be light,
Ann
