Archive for the ‘Stress Relief’ Category

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Stressed to the Limit?

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

SteamThis morning, I stumbled into my kitchen to cook breakfast, only to remember that there’s nothing in the kitchen. All the cooking utensils, plates, and bowls are scattered throughout my living room right now, and none of the cupboards have doors. The walls are half-painted and the counters are covered in sawdust. I currently can’t locate the loaf of bread I bought yesterday, but it’s probably out there in the living room piled next to the knives or under the stack of newspapers.

While home renovations are certainly exciting, and I’m looking forward to the end result, I might be a tad tired of the process. It’s been nice to get some fresh air in the basement via the large hole in the wall, but since it’s eleven degrees outside, I wouldn’t mind if it were patched soon. And though I quite like the contractor who is renovating our house, it is starting to feel like he lives with us.

As I searched around the house for a spatula and pan this morning, I will admit to feeling out-of-sorts. Okay, maybe even grumpy. I felt stretched, as though some internal limit had been reached, quite suddenly, and I was very much done with this renovation process.

Except, the renovation process is not yet done.

The handy thing about mind-body skills is that they can be done on the fly. As I rushed around, trying to find kitchen implements and muttering under my breath, I reflected on what my emotions, body, and soul were telling me. Here’s the summary:

Emotions: Anger and Irritation – a limit has been reached.

Body: Tired – it’s time to rest.

Soul: Space is needed now.

I immediately felt better. Understanding what I need solves the stress.

The interesting thing about listening to my needs is that it doesn’t involve any kind of problem-solving or action steps. Instead of trying to solve anything or jump right into “fix” mode (which often just increases stress), I can sit back and listen. First, I listen to what is needed. Then, I listen for the solution.

Amazingly, without any work on my part, the solutions always appear. Whenever I listen for them, they show up. They come as ideas in my own mind, words spoken from someone else, or a phrase in a book. They can be in any form – my job is to recognize them.

Today’s solution came in the form of an email. The contractor wrote to detail out his plan to finalize the kitchen. Order and space arrived out of nowhere. He then reminded me that he will be gone next week – all week. A week in which I will rest, clean sawdust off my countertops, and enjoy the pause before we jump back into the game.

Life itself is pretty much a home renovation process. Just when you think it’s going smoothly, something springs a leak or some such surprise arises. There will be many moments when you are stretched to your limit, ready to snap. When stress happens, it’s time to stop and listen. Your emotions, body, and soul are there to help you navigate. Discover your needs, listen for the solutions, and stop trying to figure it out.

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Posted in Emotions, Listening to Soul, Mind Body Connection, Stress Relief | 5 Comments »

Practice Being Kind – To You

Thursday, December 15th, 2011

I love meLast week, I wrote about taking the first steps toward self-kindness. It can definitely be a learning curve to practice self-kindness, so this week I’d like to talk about step two: actively creating self-kindness in your mind.

Once you start recognizing when you are beating yourself up or judging yourself, you have opened the window to do something different with your mind. It might feel like you’ve just cracked the window, but I promise, you’re letting in some fresh air!

At first, you might notice that it takes you several days or even weeks to catch on to self-judgment. The more you practice noticing, the easier it gets. Eventually, you’ll see your mind start to turn down the self-judgment path and you’ll swiftly choose a different route.

Here’s an example. In the past, stepping on the scale used to be a catalyst for self-judgment for me. Whether it was up or down a few pounds hardly mattered. If I’d gained a pound, my mind spewed out terrible comments on my ability to control my eating and how terrible I looked. If I’d lost a pound, my mind would immediately jump to, “Well, this certainly won’t last.”

After practicing and working on self-kindness very specifically for the last couple of years or so, I’m able to choose something much nicer – before my mind even starts down those other roads. And the miraculous thing? I actually believe the kind words. That is the result of a lot of repetition. You might not believe your kind words to yourself at first, even if you’re saying them. And that’s okay! The more you practice, the easier it gets.

A couple weeks ago, I stepped on the scale to find a couple-pound increase. Instead of the old self-criticism, my mind went to this: “Hmmm. That’s interesting. I wonder why I’ve been overeating?” This curiosity led me to discover that I’d been avoiding some sadness and anger in the grief process and trying to suddenly be “done” grieving. What great information!

This was all a result of me asking that question from last week’s post: What is the kindest thing I could say to myself right now?

In the past, I would have applied force. I would have said, “Now you MUST stop overeating and exercise MORE this week.”

Just when you think you need force – you need more kindness. More force will only make it harder to know why whatever is happening is happening, and you’ll just want to rebel against it, anyway. The key is to shift that habit. As you feel yourself amping up into self-flagellation, see if you can downshift into kindness. Feel the difference in your body when you do that. Notice how much tension force and self-criticism create, versus the relaxation and relief of kindness.

If you’re ready to practice more self-kindness, you might enjoy the following exercise. I call it the I’m Awesome list. If that sounds egotistical, don’t worry. It’s not. I’ve found that with habitual self-criticizers, it’s pretty much impossible to create arrogance. The pendulum is swung so far to the self-criticism side that it would take some serious effort to get it all the way over to arrogant jerk.  In fact, by actually embracing your awesomeness, you’re less likely to be myopically focused on your own shortcomings. Therefore, you end up being more present with other people. You’ll actually be less self-focused and more loving and compassionate toward others.

Here’s how you do it:

Get a notebook or huge peace of paper. At the top, write: The I’m Awesome List. Each day, add 1-3 specific reasons you are awesome. They can be seemingly small or incredibly huge. Whatever works for you goes on the list. If you need a little help getting started, enlist a friend. You’ll start her list, and she’ll start yours. Once you’re rolling, you’ll find it’s easier and easier to think of reasons you are awesome. (If you find this incredibly difficult, you can start with an “I’m Sort of Okay” list and work your way up to the I’m Awesome List.)

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Posted in Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 4 Comments »

Learn to Be Kind – To You

Thursday, December 8th, 2011

Be kind to YourselfWhen I first realized I was putting immense and constant pressure on myself, and that the pressure was causing my body to revolt, it was like putting on glasses for the first time. I could see clearly how much I was beating myself up, trying to be perfect, judging myself, and otherwise rejecting who I really am. No wonder my muscles were tense, my body hurt, and I felt terrible about myself.

The next step was to somehow learn to be kinder to myself. This was a tricky thing, seeing as I could easily beat myself up for not being good at being kind to myself. You see the catch-22 here. Being in my mind was a little like being in an M.C. Escher painting. Just when I thought I was catching on, I’d realize I had somehow slipped back into self-judgment.

Last year, I gave my dad an M.C. Escher puzzle for Christmas. (Yeah, it’s a doozy!) When I saw it in the store, it made me laugh. It’s the perfect way to approach the mind-game of learning to be kind to yourself – see it as a giant puzzle. How can I slide out of self-pressure or self-flagellation in this moment and ease my way into self-kindness? What is the trick that will work in this moment? How can I extricate myself from this unkindness without causing more of it?

If you’ve ever studied martial arts or learned about the basic concepts behind them, you know that when force meets force, not much happens. If I force myself to stop being so forceful, I just get force-squared. Resistance increases. Everything gets harder. The power of love lies in its gentleness. Take away the resistance and you get freedom.

Stop trying to force yourself to change or be “better,” and you make way for change to evolve on its own.

I had to stop trying to be kind to myself and start applying gentleness and love. What does that look like? It means that in the moment when I am beating myself up over something, instead of adding another layer of beating myself up (for being such a jerk to myself), I recognize the futility of doing so. Instead, I say, “Wow, I notice I’m really beating myself up here.” Then, I allow myself to be exactly as I am in that moment.

The ultimate kindness is to say, “It’s okay to be exactly as I am right now.” Whatever you’re doing, whatever you’re feeling, whatever results you’re getting – none of it matters. Remember, you won’t create change with force. You’ll create change with love. And unconditional love for yourself means loving yourself where you are right now. And THAT means being kind to yourself about where you are right now.

If you’re overeating right now, it’s okay.

If you’re struggling in your business right now, it’s okay.

If you’re not achieving top quality in your efforts right now, it’s okay.

If you’re beating yourself up right now, it’s okay.

If you’re ignoring your body’s wisdom right now, it’s okay.

If you’re behind in your to-do’s right now, it’s okay.

Whatever it is, it’s okay.

Your mind might say, “Aaagh! Oh no! If I say it’s okay, I’ll turn into a blimp/never accomplish anything/never get my list done/never be pain free…etc.” I’m here to gently, kindly, remind your mind that’s not true. In fact, it’s the ONLY way that you’ll lose weight, become pain free, or accomplish what you want. Self-kindness is THE ticket. The wonderful thing is, you can be kind to yourself even when you’re not being kind to yourself. You can say, “Wow, I’m really beating myself up over eating that chocolate cake. And that’s okay.”

That’s the first step to truly being kind to you. It’s what makes the next step possible. The next step is actually saying something kind to yourself. For example:

“Of course I overate this week. It’s one of my coping skills, and I’m bound to return to it sometimes even though I know lots of great new coping skills.”

“It’s natural that I don’t feel like doing anything this week. I’ve been pushing myself pretty hard lately, and I probably need some rest.”

“Sometimes I ignore my body’s wisdom and struggle with trusting it. That’s all a part of the learning process when it comes to creating a new mind-body relationship. It doesn’t mean I’m a failure – it just means I’m learning.”

It may take some practice to learn how to say kind things to yourself. If you’re like me, you’ve had years of practice saying not-so-nice things to yourself. But the good news is, with practice, you will learn how to do it. You’ll find that the more you practice, the more unbidden kind thoughts appear in your mind. You become gentler with yourself, more compassionate, and more loving. And whatever it is you want to do in the world, I guarantee that being kind to yourself will make it easier and make you more effective.

Want to start practicing now? It’s simple. Three times today, stop and ask yourself these questions:

What is the kindest thing I could say to myself right now?

What is the kindest thing I could do for myself right now?

Repeat that process for a couple weeks and you’ll see that it becomes easier and easier to think of kind words and acts, toward you.

Today just so happens to be my birthday. My gift to me is threefold. 1) Saying kind things to myself today. 2) Doing things that feel kind and enjoyable today. 3) Sharing with you about self-kindness. I know that the kinder you are to you, the more you’ll spread love and kindness in the world. And that’s a gift for all of us.

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Posted in Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 9 Comments »

The Full-Tilt

Thursday, November 17th, 2011

Several weeks ago, I wrote a blog post about the In-Between. I was feeling strange because everywhere I looked, my life seemed to be in transition. It felt like that moment between an inhale and exhale, when everything is suspended, and nothing is happening. It seemed to be lasting forever to my “go, go, go” personality. I love creating and doing stuff, and I’ve had to learn how to trust the times when I’m not.

I wrestled with the In-Between, but finally sank into it and just let it happen. Then, just like that, it was over. Suddenly, the house renovation started moving forward again. The website concepts started coming together. I started knowing exactly what I wanted my living room to look like. I knew just how I wanted to put together new materials for my clients.

I went from inertia to motion in what seemed like moments. I kind of miss the In-Between. After all, I had just befriended it!

Somehow, suddenly, things are moving fast. This past week, I was out of town giving a workshop with fellow coach Koelle Simpson and then leading the Martha Beck Meet and Greet in my role as Life Coach Training Coordinator.  I coached up a storm, presented, taught, and generally had a blast professionally in a whirlwind nine-day trip.

Meanwhile, at home, boxes with lamps and decorative pillows and other décor poured in the door. The contractor renovated the living room. While giving workshops, I kept getting texts from him including pictures of my house. I came home to piles of boxes, a fantastic new look throughout the house, and new shelves everywhere. The graphic designer for my website sent logo ideas to review. My assistant busily added meetings and updates to my calendar. Progress, at full-tilt.

The whiplash of moving from nothing to everything caught me by surprise. Last Wednesday, I got an intense muscle spasm in my lower back. Then, I woke up in the middle of the night to let the dog out, bonked my thigh on the new shelf in our bedroom, tripped over an unpacked suitcase, and stumbled into the bedroom door. Thursday morning I woke up and realized that it was a cosmic convergence in which I had somehow scheduled roughly 47 clients, a meeting, a dog grooming appointment (for which I had only allotted 15 minutes to drop the dog off and get home for said meeting), a tree service to remove large parts of our landscaping, and, of course, the re-grouting of my bathroom tile.

Though I had specifically told the tree crew that I work from home, they periodically rang the doorbell for a chat throughout the morning. This caused my dog to bark manically while I apologized to clients and tried to shoo the tree crew back to work. Then they would return to making chainsaw/Earth-ripping sounds outside my office window.

Mid-morning I grabbed my dog and his leash, talking soothingly to him about his grooming appointment as we headed for the door. The contractor poked his head curiously out of the bathroom, thinking I’d finally lost it and was talking to myself. Almost.

Luckily, one of my trained coaches was scheduled to call and coach me (a part of her Endorsement process). My back spasm was still screaming at me, so she deftly used the mind-body tools to extract its message. (Sometimes there is nothing like having help, even when you’re a coach and have a million coaching tools handy.)

Not surprisingly, my back was asking me to stop. It was asking me to slow down. It was reminding me that though I do love action and creating, there is no reason to do everything at once, at full speed. It asked me to put a little do-nothing time back into my schedule.

Truthfully, a little do-nothing time is the perfect prescription for me. I love the power of doing nothing and how it makes me more efficient and effective. I get better ideas, clearer directions, and have more fun when I make sure to do nothing often.

The In-Between is over. I’m now in the Full-Tilt. So here I go again, learning how to navigate this part of my life just like I learned how to navigate the In-Between. I’m remembering that discomfort always has a message for me, and knowing that this, too, is perfect.

I have a feeling that this Full-Tilt is teaching me how to manage my full plate without losing my mind or not listening to my body. It’s likely teaching me how to slow down and listen to my inner wisdom right when I think I should speed up and get more done. It’s probably teaching me how to insert doing nothing into the Full-Tilt so that this full-speed train doesn’t derail.

I’m being reminded, by the over-scheduled day and my back spasm, that I am the one creating my life. I can tap the brakes when necessary. I love living from this place of strength. It feels good to ask myself what I want and to honor that answer instead of shove it down or ignore it, as I used to do

Looking back over the week, I am laughing at myself, at the ridiculousness of the schedule, and I’m prioritizing some do-nothing time.  My Full-Tilt stamina will last much longer if I do intervals. Do nothing. Do a lot. Do nothing. Do a lot.

The funny thing is, the same question that helped me through the In-Between is now helping me with the Full-Tilt. It is, simply, this:

What do I need right now?

My answer? Right now, I need to do nothing.

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Posted in Martha Beck, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 2 Comments »

Getting What I Have Always Wanted

Thursday, September 15th, 2011

This post is a guest post by Endorsed Mind-Body Coach Anu Gupta. She can be reached for consults and coaching at anu@thehealthylifecoach.com.

I’m a newly endorsed mind-body coach.  Along with all the mental and health benefits I’ve received from practicing the tools, my coaching practice is filling up. Remarkably I’ve got clients who want to see me week after week.  They are becoming increasingly grateful and complimentary.  Suddenly I’m finding myself with days of back to back clients scheduled.  My confidence and effectiveness as a coach has increased exponentially.  I’m much better at allowing what is for myself and allowing for my inspiring clients too.

This is what I’ve wanted for so long, so why am I feeling so much discomfort along with my newfound success?  Is my body saying no, just as I’m getting what I want?  As I put myself out into the world and coach authentically, the excitement, exhilaration, and contentedness is accompanied by some heavy duty fear.

I’m afraid they will find out I’m a fraud.
I’m afraid that I won’t be good enough.
I’m afraid that I will disappoint them.
I’m afraid that I will screw up and miss appointments.
I’m afraid my kids or the doorbell will interrupt the call and our flow.
I’m afraid I won’t have time to do other things.

As I think about all of these worries, my stomach churns in the form of a writhing worm.  One impulse I feel is to go back and hide, to withdraw.  When I take a moment to breathe, listen to my body, connect and talk to the worm, he has a lot to tell me…

It is not about being perfect and having “arrived”.  This is a lifelong journey and practice.  By not being perfect I show others it’s okay that they aren’t perfect.  In truth we are all totally perfect anyway.

Coaching isn’t about me or how good I am.  It is about connecting clients to their own inner wisdom.  This is their journey.

There are many other amazing mind-body coaches.  If for some reason I can’t help maybe someone else can.  Maybe I’m just not meant to help them.

If I screw up and I will, it will only show that I am human and make mistakes too.  There will be a good reason for each mistake.  I can put systems in place to sync calendars and check appointments each morning.  This will lessen the likelihood of error.

I can schedule appointments when my kids or others won’t be here.   I can leave doorbells unanswered.

I can set my own schedule and work as little or as much as my inner wisdom dictates.

Though I’ve heard and thought of much of this specific wisdom before, this time I know it is true for me. I can feel the truth of it.  After our chat, my worm feels calmer and is resting.  I feel fondness and gratitude toward him.  I know he will be with me for a long time to come.

In this case, the discomfort and fear in my body wasn’t saying no.  It didn’t really want me to go and hide.  My fear was giving me more details about how to be a coach and even practical suggestions about setting up my business and managing my time.

Given my new found knowledge and connection with my discomfort, I’m ready if you need help connecting with your own inner worm or sources of discomfort.  What are they trying to tell you?  I’m curious.

*Thanks to my fellow mind-body trainees and coaching buddies for helping me talk with my worm and face my fear.

About Anu

I come to coaching from a background in academic science. I’ve always thought of myself as intellectually smart. After practicing the mind-body tools, I know my body is even more smart and talented. I’ve been someone that despite many outward successes has always wanted to be better. I’ve been hard on myself, thinking I should be better and should have achieved more by now. I thought I hadn’t achieved my potential. Being hard on myself didn’t make me better at anything, it just made me feel bad. It also made me sick with endocrine and autoimmune disorders.
Despite piles of journals and trying to change my demanding thoughts, only connecting with my body put those many demands I made of myself to rest. I have confidence now. I really understand what self love means. I see myself as more physically beautiful and attractive. I’m a more effective and available mom. Connecting with myself has given me greater health, fitness, and mental peace. Ironically, it is now that I’m becoming better at many things, it is now that I’m achieving my potential. I use my science training and my mental strengths every day as I become an observer and explorer of my body and mind. This is the hardest and most rewarding science project I’ve ever done, studying and knowing myself.
I’m totally excited about teaching others to leave their self demands behind and achieve their real potential. The mind-body process is like a fun and often challenging discovery and learning process. You will let yourself shine, because that is the safest way to be.
Contact Info: anu@thehealthylifecoach.com, 301-270-1342

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Posted in Endorsed Coach, Guest Post, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 7 Comments »

Letting the Journey be the Goal

Thursday, September 8th, 2011

Me on the infamous hike

To understand this blog post, you have to know that I have a thing for natural bodies of water. Whenever we were traveling during my childhood, I would veer off into rivers, lakes, ponds, or the ocean whenever possible. I love being in water, love feeling the river current, the ocean waves, the rocks and sand beneath my feet. I love the sound of water flowing, falling, and crashing.

Water helps me connect to myself. It helps me manage my creative flow (which is sometimes strong and overwhelming). It helps me allow my emotions to flow. To me, it represents everything joyful in life.

So, whenever I plan a vacation, it involves a natural body of water, or several. Last week, my husband and I celebrated our twelfth anniversary with a vacation in Estes Park, Colorado. I booked a perfect little condo overlooking a stream. I scouted hiking routes that involved rivers and lakes. Our room even had a giant Jacuzzi tub.

On the first day of our trip, my husband and I set off to hike around several lakes. We spent the whole day meandering by a stream, dipping toes into lake-water, and enjoying the majestic mountain scenery. It was relaxing and fun, but a little more populated than we desired. So, on the second day of our trip, we set off on a longer, more remote trail.

Let me just pause to say that for some reason, we were woefully unprepared. Normally two overly responsible citizens with perfectionist streaks, we somehow managed to completely blow it when we packed for the trip. My husband, the gadget man, forgot his GPS. We both forgot our rain gear. I forgot my hiking boots. (Yes, I realize that I was going on a hiking trip. Believe me.)

We couldn’t stand the thought of missing out on a beautiful hike, so we went ahead despite our lack of gear. (Very bad idea.) Wearing my old running shoes and praying for a sunny day, I took the lead as we started up the mountain. It was the perfect trail. Not only did it follow a crashing waterfall for miles, but it promised a gorgeous mountain lake at the top. It was hiking nirvana. I was so excited to see the mountaintop lake I could hardly stand it.

My husband was enjoying the photography opportunities, so we moved at a quick pace interspersed with long pauses for photos. I savored the little streams crossing our path, as well as the waterfall off to the left. The sound was magnificent – a melody like none other.

We hiked on, up the mountain. Up, and up, and up. And up. The incline was steady and intense. Sweat poured off of me. My muscles ached. My hamstrings shouted. Several times, we paused to assess. Should we turn around? Each time, I shook my head, determined to get to the lake. At mile three-ish (no GPS, remember) I felt sure we could make it. Around four, I thought we could probably do it. Around mile five, we stopped and watched the ominous thunderclouds gathering above us. We looked at the steep incline in front of us. “I really, really, want to see that lake,” I said. We forged onward.

Somewhere between mile five and six, I stopped. I sat down on a rock. I checked in with my body. I remembered that I’m a mind-body coach, and part of that means walking my talk. It means not just helping other people, but helping myself. It means listening to what my body has to say, even when it doesn’t match my goal in mind.

Yes, I really wanted to make it to the lake, which was at 6.3 miles. We were so close.

My muscles reminded me that we had to survive the hike down. My feet, somewhat disgruntled from the beating they were taking in those silly running shoes, had a definite opinion. My heart looked at the thunderclouds above and knew it was time to turn around. I wanted to enjoy my hike, not end up in agony or danger just because I had a goal in mind.

Let’s get real here. I adore lakes, it’s true. But around mile 4.5-ish, seeing the lake turned into a goal. It became about the end, not the journey. It became another way to feel good about myself through accomplishment instead of just because I exist. It wasn’t about listening to my body, honoring my truth in that moment, or anything else so noble. It wasn’t serving me to keep the lake goal anymore, and yet I was pushing to achieve it.

I’ve done that a few times before in my life. Just a couple, I’m sure. It’s not like it’s a giant pattern or anything. Or something I’ve worked on for years to find a balance in my life instead of constantly pushing myself. Or the very reason I ended up ignoring myself for years and suffering from chronic pain as a result.

Hey, the good news is that I realized, in that moment on the mountain-almost-top, that I was falling back into that pattern. In a flash, I saw the choice, right there. Forge ahead and ignore every signal from within, or turn around and be well in mind, body, and spirit.

It was a moment of truth. It was a mountain of truth.

We turned around. We didn’t see the lake. We didn’t get stuck in the thunderstorm. We did enjoy the waterfall, the trees, the smell of the forest, the birds, the chipmunks, and the cool air. We did enjoy being with each other, on the journey. We did enjoy moving our bodies for the nearly twelve miles of hiking. We did feel relieved to be only a couple miles from the car when the thunder started. We did have a fantastic day.

If we’d have had our rain gear, if I’d had my hiking boots, and if we’d left an hour earlier, I imagine my body would have been gung ho for the lake. However, in that moment, in those circumstances, it told me what was best for me. It was right. My feet were battered and aching by the time we arrived at the car, and I could not have gone another mile without suffering intense foot pain. As it was, I just took off my shoes and stuck my feet in the river. Swelling gone. I was immensely happy to be alive and well rather than in a summer rainstorm with no gear.

Because I’ve gotten used to life serving up interesting lessons, I thought a lot about the lake on my way down the mountain. I realized that I’ve been getting a little goal oriented lately in my creative processes. I’ve been pushing instead of listening. Not a lot, but just enough to mess up the equilibrium. Mother Nature, ever the wisest mind-body coach, reminded me that the goal is not what it’s all about. It’s not about the lake. It’s about the hike. It’s about the company. It’s about the pinecones and the forest smell and the animals.

It’s always, always about the journey.

I tell you this story today in case you have a wee bit of a tendency to push, ignore, and pressure yourself toward goals. In case you, too, forget that you’re already perfect, you’re already worthwhile, whether you make it to the top of the mountain or not. In case you are being hard on yourself instead of just hiking along, turning around when it’s right for you, and letting some goals drop away. In case you sometimes forget that quitting can be just as brave as finishing.

Your mind might have goals. Your mind might attach importance to them. It might attach a lot of things to them – a feeling of self-worth, a measure of success, etc. Your body will tell you what’s actually right for you, in each moment, on each hike. It will lead you to something beyond survival. It will lead you to well-being, joy, love, contentment, and relaxation.

Ironically, water is possibly the best example of how to live creatively and enjoy life. It’s ever flowing, ever changing. It doesn’t stop at the lake at say, “Ah, there, I am now done. I have achieved this lake and I have now arrived.” No, it continually moves forward, in trickles, in raindrops, in surges, in waves. It’s always in motion, fluid, creating something new the moment it has finished creating what came before. That’s how I want to be, as I write, teach, and grow. I want to enjoy the process as much as I enjoy the arrivals. I want to be fluid, moving, and ready to change my route and let go when that’s what needs to happen.

To you, I say this: Today, enjoy the hike.

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Posted in Health, Hiking, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 9 Comments »

Your Body – Is it Saying Yes or No?

Thursday, September 1st, 2011

So much of the work I do with clients comes down to setting healthy boundaries. This was a major learning curve for me in my own life. Afraid of upsetting or angering others, I would make decisions based on external factors like someone’s approval or disapproval, or “rules” set by other people.

When I started applying mind-body concepts to my life in order to relieve pain, I discovered that my body tells me, quite clearly, when to say yes and no. It tells me exactly how to decide on everything, from personal life choices to business decisions. If I don’t say no to things that aren’t right for me, my body starts saying no to me. That’s what isn’t fun or comfortable.

Ignoring my body’s opinion about my life choices landed me into whopping amounts of physical pain, emotional distress, and mental frustration. Learning to listen to my body’s opinion taught me the way out of that mess.

That’s where most of my clients are right now – starting to learn how to listen to their bodies. If you’re working on that, too, this post is for you! Your body is the conduit for soul wisdom. You take in so much more information than you really know, day in and day out, and I see your soul as a vast being giving you wise and loving directives based on all of this information. You, in your body, are just one small element of who you really are. You, as a whole, are a soul.

In Celtic spiritual traditions (which I adore, so you’ll see me write about them a lot!), the soul is seen as much bigger than the body. Yet, the body is vital in allowing you to bring your soul-self into this physical existence, giving you timeless wisdom, information about what is truly right for you, and helping you carry out your life purpose.

So, when your body says yes or no to something, it’s really telling you what your oh-so-wise soul knows. This is some seriously powerful knowledge. Follow that soul wisdom wherever you go, and you’ll be astonished at what you can accomplish, from your own health to creating a joy-filled life in general. It sounds a little crazy or over the top, maybe, but as a person who is living it, I have to tell you that it’s real.

My life is so good right now that I don’t even know how to describe it to you. I look back to where I used to be, when I wasn’t listening to my body or myself at all, and I hardly recognize that person. Who was she? She wasn’t the real me. Now, I am fully me. Sure, I have frustrations or struggles, but I stay me throughout them. I know how to wade through the muddy stuff without getting lost or losing myself. This means I return to joy, to peace, to health, to calm, to love, over and over again. This means my dreams really do come true. This means I get to do my life, my way, and feel free.

Since this boundary thing can be a little frustrating to learn sometimes, this fall I’ve teamed up with Koelle Simpson, fellow coach and master of teaching boundaries. (Technically, she claims she doesn’t teach anything, because the horses she uses throughout her workshops do all the real teaching.) Koelle and I created the Energize Your Life Workshop to help you regain energy and YOU by setting healthy boundaries. It’s been filling up fast, so we are planning another one for March. (Stay tuned for that one!) If you need to connect with your body, learn how to listen to it, and practice setting clear and healthy boundaries, then these workshops are designed just for you!

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Posted in Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 2 Comments »

Feeling Bad? Have a Tantrum!

Thursday, August 25th, 2011

If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know the drill. You know you have to feel emotions that arise on a daily basis, because avoiding and therefore storing them in your body creates tension and pain. Obviously, no one is going to be perfect at feeling emotions. However, I, like you, have the goal to feel as pain-free and healthy as possible. This keeps me motivated to continually allow myself to have emotions, albeit imperfectly.

Every now and then, I fall back into the don’t-feel mode. I start making self-judgments like “I should be okay with this already,” or “I shouldn’t get THAT angry, for heaven’s sake…”  This usually means there is something I REALLY need to feel, and I am busy convincing myself I am fine, it’s all good, and I’ll just attend to a few more emails instead of stopping to feel.

This past month, I noticed creeping tension accumulating in my back, and I knew I needed to feel something. I did some avoiding, then some distracting, and a little bit of eating. Strangely, none of that magically eliminated my tension. Finally, I took a deep breath and dove into my own psyche. I should have known. It was stored anger.

For me, anger is the hardest emotion. I’ve worked for years to allow sadness, and now I can pretty much allow myself a good cry whenever I need it. I’ve gotten much friendlier with fear, and I can allow it to be present for the most part. Anger, on the other hand, is almost always the culprit when I say to myself, “Gosh, I just don’t KNOW what I’m feeling. Hmmm. What on EARTH could it be?”

I believe deeply in honoring emotions, the body, and the mind and how they work together. I decided I needed some help accessing what was stored in my body. I booked an appointment series with my chiropractor, who also does intense (by that I mean hideously painful) myofascial and deep tissue release. If I had any anger stored in my muscles and tissues, he would definitely help it start to flow.

After last week’s session, I drove home (blinking the tears of pain out of my eyes – the man has thumbs of steel) and got back to work. He’d done a new type of fascial release that hurt so much I thought I would pass out. He attacked muscles on the top of my head that were highly offended by the assault. Yet, it felt oddly good afterward. I sat, typing away at my desk.

Suddenly, a tsunami of anger exploded into my awareness. Wow. I did some Conscious Complaining, I felt it, I talked to a fellow coach. I thought I was doing pretty good, allowing the anger to flow. Yet, the muscle tension was still there. I was a little puzzled.

A couple of days later, I was visiting my mom, chatting with her in the kitchen. I told her about the anger explosion, and she said, “Oh, yes, I like to have tantrums when that happens.” I’ve tossed around the word tantrum before, but I had a sense something really good was about to be revealed. Sure enough, she began to demonstrate, and something indescribable came over me. It was a sense of relief, a giant easing of years of tension. It was permission to let go. She really got INTO the tantrum. She yelled. She mocked. She moved her whole body. It was spectacular, and impossible not to join in. Pretty soon I was having a tantrum, too. I was shaking all parts of my body, I was being a three-year-old, and I was letting it all out. It was kind of like a tantrum dance, though lying down and kicking our legs was still involved. (Stolen from the classic 3-year-old tantrum move.)

The tantrum came to a natural close, because we couldn’t continue long without exploding into fits of laughter. It was possibly the funniest thing, ever. I so wish you could see my mom having a tantrum. She is gifted. She is a genius. She knows how to let herself have the moment. How many times do we stop ourselves and say, “I shouldn’t really feel/think x….” when we just need a two-minute tantrum?

We like to think we’re adults now, and tantrums are a 3-year-olds prerogative. Not so. There is nothing more freeing than letting loose your inner 3-year-old. I imagine that, like us, you’ll have a hard time not laughing when you’re done with your tantrum, especially if you really let yourself get into it. (I highly recommend grabbing a friend who’s willing to explore the tantrum concept, too. It’s more fun with company.)

It might seem silly, but a tantrum done well is actually one of the most healing things you can do for yourself. First, you get to combine Conscious Complaining (at the top of your lungs, no less, or in scathing, mocking tones – soooo fun) with moving your whole body. There is something hugely powerful about that. Second, you get to shake, punch, kick, and otherwise pummel the air, releasing actual stored energy from your body. Third, you get to feel whatever you’re feeling, and it’s much easier to let it flow when you’re really getting into it physically. Fourth, you get to laugh at the end, which is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself in general.

Not five minutes after my tantrum, my back loosened up. I felt lighter. I felt happy. I felt awake. My body was alive, fluid, and strong.  I was present. I told my mom she is a genius. She said she learned it from me, when I was a three-year-old. When I had tantrums as a kid, she used to join in, because, well, why not? My mom GETS kids, in a way that no one else I know does. She knows that you’ve just got to have the tantrum, and trying to stop it is futile. She knows that a little company during a tantrum makes it that much better. Somehow, I forgot, as my adult self, this gem of wisdom. I am grateful to have recovered it.

I guess, for some reason, we always try to be so grown up. Why is that? Kids have way more fun. They are naturals at feeling and moving on, no stored tension necessary. Whatever changed you and me from a freely feeling four-year-old to a hold it in adult (yes, there are many experiences in life that, unfortunately, facilitate that process), it’s time to recapture our kid genius.

I tried to get Mom to make a tantrum video, but she was a little shy. Maybe I’ll coerce her to give Tantrum Workshops with me. Somehow, I hope to convey her genius to you, because I think you’ll benefit in a huge way. For now, the written word is the best I can do. I’ve learned from the master, but I don’t consider myself a fully trained tantrum instructor just yet.

How to Have a Conscious Tantrum

1)     Queue up the issue you’re upset about in your mind. (If you don’t know what it is, that’s fine – you can start with the feeling instead.)

2)     Start moving. Wiggle your shoulders, shake your arms, make air punches – just do anything your body wants to do. Keep moving.

3)     Start complaining about whatever it is, or anything. (If you don’t have an actual complaint, you can just make noise, too.) Stoop to your lowest levels. Say what you really want to say but aren’t letting yourself express. Use your bitchiest voice. Then yell. Get snarky. Mock. Whine. Judge. Channel your inner toddler. (Keep moving.)

4)     Feel whatever emotion is there. Say what you feel. (Keep moving.) Let your movements express what you’re feeling in whatever way feels right. Be the drama queen. Go way over the top.  (This will facilitate step 5.)

5)     Laugh hysterically at yourself.

I really can’t recommend this enough. I employed it yesterday while having a wardrobe meltdown. (These recur at a regular monthly interval for some odd, completely inexplicable reason…) I felt completely hysterical about all of my clothes, and spent a good several hours ruminating on how awful they all look, before I remembered the Conscious Tantrum Technique. Ahhh, sweet relief. (Now seriously, aren’t you just a little intrigued by a tool that is powerful enough to release PMS mania? You’ve gotta try it.)

So, I encourage you to be a toddler when you need to feel through something. Have the moment. Let yourself go there. Let it all hang out. Stoop to your lowest levels. Then, you’ll rise up on the sweet aftermath, with laughter to carry you home – to you.

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Posted in Emotions, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief | 16 Comments »

Strong is the New Skinny

Thursday, August 18th, 2011

Me celebrating this body

The other day I went to coffee with my personal trainer, and we were chatting about fitness, the urge women have to do endless, hideous (in my opinion, of course) hours of cardio exercise instead of strength training, and our cultural viewpoint around women with muscles and strength. She mentioned she was giving a workshop entitled “Strong is the New Skinny.” I loved that phrase so much I could practically feel a blog post writing itself as we spoke.

As I mentioned in a recent post, I’ve had body image struggles for most of my life.  I have often argued with my body about its natural shape – muscular, not a lot in the, er…chest department, and did I say muscular? For a long time, I ACHED to be a tall, willowy, delicate body type. There were periods in my life where I pretended I could achieve this by either a) starving myself, b) doing “lengthening workouts” like Pilates or c) running thousands of miles until I transformed my body into a “runner’s body.”

After much practice, I’ve finally learned to love my body as-is, and to embrace my natural muscular strength. I’ve stopped doing hours of mindless cardio exercise, because my body doesn’t really like it, it drains me energetically, and I find it is just another way for me to ignore my body or push it past its limits. Also, it doesn’t make the slightest difference in my weight or size.

Now, I do primarily heavy weight lifting, short interval cardio workouts, walking, and yoga. It only took me 20 years to finally listen to my body and respect the type of workout it actually likes to do. Lo and behold, I am now actually fitter than I’ve ever been, and I look pretty nice in a pair of jeans. I’m not willowy. You would never mistake me for a swimsuit model. But I feel good about how I care for my body. I feel good in my body. I feel strong. (I’m not saying my workout style is perfect for everyone. I am saying that your body is a much better fitness guide than any fitness guru out there. It helps you design the perfect workout for you.)

Yes, I still have “fat” days here and there, but I’ve come to a new place with my body. I now stand naked in front of the mirror every morning and compliment myself. This is quite a change from the past, in which I once gained 50 pounds without even noticing. I am not kidding. I hated my body so much that I simply couldn’t even tell what it really looked like. I always assumed I needed to lose some huge number of pounds and that I looked terrible, so I didn’t even see the reality in the mirror.

This disconnect played a huge role in my weight gain. When I finally realized what had happened, I looked back at old pictures of myself and discovered I’d spent years thinking I was overweight when I was really just me. I was at my body’s happy weight. Being overweight taught me about my relationship with my body, so I am grateful I went through that experience. I learned how to actually see myself. I learned how to actually be myself, no apologies needed.

The truth is, I am a strong person. I am strong physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. One of my biggest strengths is my strength. I was given the gift of muscles. Even if I don’t work out for weeks, I am strong. In high school, my peers on the swim team called me “Muscles.” I have shoulders and biceps that can power through the pool for hours on end. I have stamina. I have serious thighs. I could probably leap tall buildings at a single bound. I wear totally different dress and pants sizes because of those beauties.

When I was a kid, my dad called me many different nicknames, one of which was “Elephant Touch.” This was because I had trouble dealing with my own strength and often accidentally broke things, gave my brother concussions while playing catch, and otherwise wreaked havoc. The other day we got out the Wiffle ball during a family gathering, and I took the first turn at bat. I took a nice, powerful swing and promptly crushed the ball. Literally. My brother picked it up, held its sad mangled remains in his hand, and shook his head. “I forgot what it’s like to play sports with you,” he said.

I used to feel ashamed of this strength. I used to hate it when people called me strong, muscular, or anything like it. Now, I am proud to be strong. I’m not ripped, I’m not ready to hop on stage at a body builder show, but I do have muscle on me. This is the body I was given, and I finally love it just the way it is. I can see how my strength helps me every single day.

So here’s my question for you today: What about your body has always bothered you, and how can you see it in a new light? How is it a gift?

I think how we treat our bodies, see our bodies, and feel in our bodies is so interconnected. It’s time to make some serious changes in how we talk about our bodies. Nearly everyone I coach struggles with body image dissatisfaction, and I’ve begun to realize just how hard many of us are on ourselves. I used to think I was alone in my struggle, but now I see just how prevalent this issue is for both women and men.

Probably one of the most important things we can do for ourselves in this lifetime is learn to like and love our own bodies, even as they change, age, gain/lose weight, hurt, heal, and otherwise have the physical human experience. Loving our own bodies brings us home. They don’t have to look good, perfect, or even remotely like the “ideal” for us to love them.

Why in the world would willowy be any better than strong? Why is “fat” something we abhor? Why have we picked one normal, natural part of being physical and turned it into something awful? (In fact, I think it’s the classic “what you resist, persists.” The more we “fight fat” the harder it is to be in harmony with our bodies and find a healthy balance as individuals.) Why would I strive for skinny when my body loves strong? Why should any single part of me be any different than it is? There is beauty everywhere in every human body, just waiting to be seen. I’m looking. Are you?

Want to join me in banishing the nasty body talk and learning to treat your body with love? Hop on the phone Tuesday, 8/23 at 9 PT/10 MT/11 CT/12 ET for my monthly Body Talk call for Good Vibe University.

Call In Info: (724) 444-7444 Call ID: 92813 (use 1# if prompted for pin)

The topic is Body Image and I’ve planned a fun and interactive process to help all of us shift how we treat our bodies. (The call is free if you join in live, but recordings are only available to GVU members. If you’re at all interested in the Law of Attraction, I can’t recommend a GVU membership enough! No, I’m not an affiliate, either! I just love Jeannette Maw and her work.)

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Posted in Body Image, Mind Body Healing, Self-love, Stress Relief, Weight Loss | 4 Comments »

Letting Go of Knowing

Thursday, August 4th, 2011

Hope

Last week, I invited you along on my surrendering journey.  My question was this: what are you surrendering to right now? I’m surrendering to not knowing what will happen if I give pregnancy and motherhood another shot, post miscarriage. Which led me to ponder this familiar question: Do I really know anything?

There’s a doozy for my inner brainiac! What? Not know stuff?

She and I have had this discussion before, but she’s still a big fan of knowing stuff. Yet, truly, I cannot know what will happen in the next moment, much less the next day, week, month, or year. I can plan. I can intend. I can imagine. I can dream.

But I can’t know.

Aghhhhhhhh! (Inner brainiac screaming. Poor thing.)

I was trained in school to learn, study, analyze, and know. My intellect was honed and my intuition buried. Which is odd, because what I actually need, to navigate my life successfully, is a lot less intellect and lot more intuition. Because intuition actually does KNOW. It knows in a deeper, less verbal, more visceral, somewhat indescribable way. I need to lead my life with intuition, and apply my intellect to intuitive information.

I don’t know anything with my intellect. But I KNOW lots of things with my intuition. Listening to it is a little like walking a tightrope, but being willing to fall into the big, safe net below. I can be willing to let go of the need to know with my mind. I can walk this motherhood tightrope – heck, I might even attempt a little fancy flip or something. My intuition will guide me, and I will know what I need to know, when I need to know it.

Would you like to walk the tightrope with me? Maybe you’re already a mother, but maybe there’s something new you’d like to do – your version of the tightrope. Possibly your intellect would like to know everything and see how it all works out before you take the first/next step. I hear ya, sister! What would it be like to let go of the need to know, together? I have a feeling that some group energy around this might serve all of us who are open to not knowing and ready to trust our intuition more and more. What are you ready to not know?

In March, when I knew in my heart that I was about to miscarry, I felt angry at my intuition. Why tell me something like that in advance? I didn’t want to KNOW.

Except that I did want to know. I’ve spent years opening back up to my intuition, being willing to listen to that deeper voice within, and learning to trust it. I’ve opened that can of worms, and now I KNOW a lot more than I used to. It can be disconcerting, but at the same time, there’s a sense of preparedness that comes with intuitive knowing. It helped me to know I was miscarrying, even if I did have a little fight with it at first. It made it easier to surrender. In general, I trust myself a lot more now that I KNOW things.

I trust that whatever is happening, it is actually serving me, even if it’s painful or uncomfortable. I learned that big lesson from dealing with vulvodynia and interstitial cysititis. Even though I argued against those experiences for a while, in the end I saw why I needed to have them to become the person I truly wanted to be. After I saw that, I was able to trust that new painful experiences were not there to beat me down, but to help me return to myself in some way.

I’m pretty sure I’ll be returning to myself in some form or another for the rest of my life. The difference is, now I am willing to walk that humble path and trust the KNOWING rather than try to steer clear of pain by intellectually choosing my route. (I said willing, mind you. I didn’t say I do it all the time, or perfectly!) I’m willing to not know, and to KNOW. I’m willing to trust the sense of visceral understanding that sometimes cannot be put into words.

To embark on the pregnancy and motherhood path again, (though I don’t think I’ve actually veered off the path, come to think of it) I have to love my intellect, be kind to it, and then remind it that it just can’t know. Then I have to look into my heart, trust my inner guidance, and take the next step on the tightrope. Yes, I am afraid. I allow the fear to surface as I step into the unknown. I feel it. I get guidance from it. And I keep stepping.

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Interstitial Cystitis, Mind Body Healing, Stress Relief, Vulvodynia | 7 Comments »

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