In last week’s blog post, I discussed Martha Beck’s concept of the social self and how this part of your psyche can toss out lots of stressful thoughts, making you feel unhappy and stressed. Your social self might tell you that other people will think you’re crazy if you take that job or quit that job, marry that man, leave that man, etc., etc.! It might tell you that everyone will think you’re lazy if you don’t bake cookies for the upcoming PTA gala event. It may tell you that you shouldn’t listen to your inner wisdom, because doing so would mean everyone would make fun of you or no longer respect you. I could go on and on, because the social self has a LOT to say about your life, and it can take up a lot of your mental space with all of its opinions.
At first, when you learn how to distance yourself and become the watcher or observer of your thoughts, you might still believe the thoughts your social self tells you. That’s perfectly normal, but I wanted to give you a little help today by showing you a whole new perspective. I have a client who grew up in Croatia and now lives in London. From her point of view, the social self “rules” of Londoners are easy to spot. Now that she lives in London, she can also clearly see the social self “rules” she lived with in Croatia. I asked her to do an email interview to share with all of you, so read on to begin viewing the social self through new eyes…
You have been a client for a while now, so you are thoroughly aware of your social self. We have discovered that you have a unique viewpoint regarding the social self, since you have lived in two cultures. Can you tell us a little bit about that?
I am sure that everyone can become aware of and make friends with their social self even if they never move or travel from their home country. But, having been immersed in two cultures might speed up the process more. I am also speaking as an anthropologist – a person whose job is to become an insider of another culture by observing and participating in it. If I had to sum up the role of an anthropologist, I would say, it is a job of being a watcher – sounds familiar? If what we are doing in our spiritual development is to witness and watch our thoughts and emotions, then being an anthropologist means witnessing the world around us. The two paths that I have been on are mutually reinforcing each other and I have found more pleasure in both since I have embarked on the journey of self-discovery. Being in a foreign culture makes people become aware of their own beliefs and values that they have created or assimilated as they grew up. Essentially, this process of contrasting one’s beliefs and values to a totally new way of life – a foreign culture – makes us realize that beliefs are not universal, that we have not been born with them, and the good news is that we can therefore change them is they are not serving us any more. When a fish swims in the water, it has no awareness of water – of its texture, temperature, feeling. Only when it’s out of the water, the difference is noticeable. This is the effect that happens when one lives in two cultures.
When you moved to London, what were some new social “rules” or “stories” you discovered people following or believing?
They were both funny and annoying, hehe. One of the first things I’ve noticed was the story of ‘you always need to look busy’ and ‘you always need to look as if you know what you’re doing’. At first, I laughed at people when they would open their diaries only to arrange a casual coffee with me. I would have to book a coffee break with them at least 3 weeks in advance. That sounded ridiculous to me, as in my own culture, people normally just come round to each other’s houses, sometimes even without calling in advance. My culture was spontaneous and British culture looked too organized to me. I also noticed that wherever you met people, either in their work or university environment, they always had the pose (body language included) as if telling to you ‘I know what I’m doing’. It might be knowing which books to read for the next seminar, knowing where your career would go in 5 years time, knowing which school your child will go to before they are even born. Nobody allowed any uncertainty. Everything looked pre-programmed, so these people looked to me as if they didn’t allow themselves any choice. There was only one route to take. After the initial laugh that I had, I found myself getting really annoyed with this way of life because I slowly ‘bought into’ their story. I started frantically planning my time months ahead and if I didn’t have plans for the weekend, I would feel miserable. Imagine the office talk always being – any plans for the weekend? It would drive me mad. But then, I started SEEING this behaviour for what it was. It was just a cultural story – a social self code that allowed people to mix and socialize. Recognizing social self as a friend with positive intentions shifted me into the stage I am now. I appreciate all the stories around me, I see them as merely stories and I can CHOOSE to either be in them or out of them. I don’t plan my weekends any more, I have spontaneous coffees whenever I can and when I can’t I am not annoyed if I have to book time in a friend’s diary – I know this does not mean they don’t like me.
If you go on the underground in London, we call it the tube, you see people looking all stressed, shoulders hunched, immersed in their thoughts, shaking their legs nervously, always being late – they wear a sign on their forehead ‘There is never enough time’. When I am surrounded with people in this mood, I deliberately slump into my seat, lean comfortably as if I am lounging in my own living room and just look around myself – wearing a sign ‘I have all the time in the world’. And very often, people look at me as if I am from some other planet. The body language changes from culture to culture – it is amazing. ☺
Was it easy to see that others were worrying about these cultural stories that were of no importance to you whatsoever?
As I said, I think I had to go through three stages. First, I found it silly that they worried so much, planned so much, gripped tightly so much to their future. But as I wanted to integrate and become an insider, I slowly assimilated these stories and they made me suffer. When I became one of them, I suffered just like them. This woke me up. I am now in the third stage – the one where I am still as curious as a child and don’t take things at their face value, but I have the wisdom to understand what is going on behind people’s behaviour. To be in this stage is a blessing because I deliberately create a choice for myself. I know all the story lines and I can choose to believe or not to believe – really depending on what I want my outcome to be. I have no problem with allowing my social self to guide me through a story if this means creating a better communication with people. Social self is a very adaptable and wise old friend.
Did you see clearly how people attached importance to these cultural stories and thus created stress for themselves?
Oh yes. It was very clear. It becomes clearest in romantic relationships when people who come from different backgrounds have different values. Beliefs and values should never be underestimated – they drive our behaviour. The only thing that helps two people with different value systems is not so much to change them to become more similar but just to notice that this system is not an innate, essential part of us. We have picked it up as we were growing up from our parents, school, peers, media. When you realize your beliefs are not who you are, you become a free person and this allows you to truly communicate with someone who is totally different from you. Imagine the level of freedom when you can shape yourself just the way you want to, hahaha. I think this should be a compulsory education everywhere, but especially in London where there are 300 different languages spoken each day. No wonder so many intercultural relationships fall apart.
What were some cultural stories from your Croatian culture you found yourself believing – but discovered were of no importance to Londoners?
The funniest ones had to do with what behaviour is expected from a woman in public. In Croatia, it is considered shameful for a woman to enter a café on her own. I would always wait for my friends outside in the street – even when it was freezing cold. Being on my own in a café, sipping coffee or writing on my lap-top is a big NO in Croatia. I do it now when I go to Croatia and I get all sorts of looks ☺ Also, in Croatia, you are not supposed to have a meal out on your own. This was my biggest challenge. Just the other day, I actually had some free time between two meeting and I was hungry, so I had my first meal in a restaurant, totally by myself. It felt great.
Then there are bigger stories – in Croatia children are encouraged to stay living with their parents until very late, sometimes even until they’re 30 years old. If you leave home at the age of 18, you’re considered a runaway. You are also expected much more to take care of the parents when they are elderly. To go to an old people’s home is shameful, it means that you are not a good child and you have deserted your parents. And in Britain, it is totally opposite – children are encouraged to leave home as early as 16 and parents never expect them to move cities to be able to help them when they’re older.
What else can you tell us from your unique perspective of having lived in two different cultures?
Like with everything else – living in two cultures can be a source of power or misery. It totally depends on your perspective and attitude. I now believe this is one of the best things that has happened to me. But it doesn’t happen totally effortlessly. Being an outsider can be painful sometimes – you can feel you don’t belong to either of cultures, you can feel dislocated all the time. I have done my share of suffering around that. And when I have had enough, I examined my thinking about this experience. When I was able to embrace the cultural stories and codes without any judgment, when I saw opportunity in them, I suddenly started feeling really enriched. The way people behave, as a result of their stories, is nothing personal – it is not directed at you, and when I realized that, it was a breakthrough point in becoming a happy person with two home countries.
How do you see your social self, now?
Great friend with positive intentions. When left to its own devices, it creates pain, but when employed by our higher self to serve us, then it’s a very loyal companion.
