Archive for March, 2008

Calling all Perfectionists and Overachievers

Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

I’ve been noticing a trend lately while working with women suffering from health issues.  I coach women with pelvic pain issues of any variety, and I can’t help but notice some commonalities.  I am no longer surprised when I hear person after person describe herself as a perfectionist, an overachiever, a type A personality, an anxiety sufferer, or someone who is very shy.  Though not every client has all of these traits, these do seem to be the most common issues shared by women dealing with pelvic pain issues.   I actually have all of the above personality traits.  As I’ve pondered the connections between these traits, the health issues, and my coaching knowledge, I have begun to develop a theory. 

I remember being described one time as a somatizer by a medical professional.  The definition of a somatizer is “a patient with frequent physical complaints for which no organic basis is found.”  Well, that definitely did describe me, I agree.  However, that didn’t really help me understand myself or move toward healing.  Having learned Martha Beck’s coaching tools, I can now connect the dots between my personality, thought processes, and illness. 

The main Martha Beck tool you need to understand this connection is called the Body Compass.  If you’ve read Following Your North Star, you’ll know what I’m talking about.  The Body Compass is really an awareness of your own physical self, and where your deepest unhappiness and greatest joy reside within you, physically.  Literally.  If you think about the worst event in your life and gently scan your awareness over your body, you will discover that somewhere in your body, you feel a physical sensation.  This is your body’s way of alerting you to things in your life that aren’t good for you.  If you think about the best event in your life – your happiest memory – you can scan your body and discover the physical sensation that equals joy.  Mine is this awesome spiraling sensation that begins in the center of my chest and grows wider and wider as it moves upward toward my head.  My body registers negativity in my stomach – I feel like there is a pile of rocks in there. If you tune in to your Body Compass regularly, it literally works like a compass.  You can imagine the things on your to-do list and see what your body thinks of them.  Laundry – not quite rocks in the stomach, but pebbles for sure.  Writing – ahhh, big spirals moving up, up, up.   

The key phrase there is “tune in to your body.”  Did I do that, previous to my health crisis?  No, no, and no.  Definitely not.  I was not one iota aware of my Body Compass.  Well, when would I have found the time?  I was too busy scheduling my never-ending list of activities that needed to be completed perfectly, then beating myself up over the results, which never, ever matched my expectations.  I was too busy anxiously analyzing everything I did, scheduling more things to do, hating myself for not being perfect, (because though nobody is perfect, I really should be), and looking for the next thing I could achieve to make myself feel better about myself.  I’m getting exhausted just remembering. 

I remember feeling the rocks-in-my-stomach feeling in high school, but I did not recognize it as my Body Compass.  I thought I had an ulcer or something, because my stomach hurt ALL THE TIME.  Strangely, that disappeared when I stopped dating the wrong-for-me person I was dating at the time.  Then, in college, I had a recurrence of that stomach issue, right as I was pushing myself to take every class offered at the university and get straight A’s in all of them.  Hmmm.  Did I listen?  No, of course not.  No pain, no gain, right? 

I did not listen, and I did not listen, and I did not listen.  So my body got louder, and louder, and louder.  It refused to let me ignore it.  First I got carpal tunnel.  Then I got bladder symptoms.  Next was lower back pain.  Followed by increased vaginal itching (which always popped up along  with the rocks-in-the-stomach), followed by vaginal pain.  Then, vulvar pain and burning.  My body was so sick of me not listening, that it was literally sick.  And it only got sicker, and sicker, and sicker, until finally, I stopped everything and tuned in to the poor physical home of my very confused self.   

Since that first moment of communication, my body and I have developed a fantastic relationship.  For about a year after my vaginal symptoms went away, I would get a little twinge of burning anytime I contemplated something that wasn’t right for me.  I listened.  Now, it’s back to just the rocks in the stomach.  I sit up and take notice, believe me.  I never want my body to have to yell again.  Ever.  It was not a pleasant experience.   

My definition of a somatizer is this: someone whose body is screaming at them to listen to its messages.  Why are we type A, overachieving, perfectionist, anxious, shy women prone to illness?  My theory, and it’s new and as yet unrefined, is we are the women who do not listen to our Body Compasses.  We are too busy, we are focused on our achievements, we are thinking about making everything perfect, we are stressing about every little thing, we are worrying about everything possible, and we are not confident within ourselves.  We do not listen.  It’s time to tune in to these magical bodies that know much, much more than our minds.  These genius bodies will keep guiding us, always, to our own North Stars, which is really just code for true joy, comfort, and happiness in the very core of your being.    

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Life Coaching, Martha Beck, Vulvar Pain, Vulvar Vestibulitis Syndrome, Vulvodynia, Vulvodynia Support | 1 Comment »

It's Perfect

Friday, March 21st, 2008

Today my “What If” post is being featured on Sandy Robinson’s blog, Fighting Fatigue.  Take a look at her fantastic site! 

In Martha Beck coaching, we coaches have a question we love to ask our clients.  When they are facing a something they find unpleasant or frustrating, we ask, “Why is this experience perfect for you right now?”   

It’s a question you have to really think about, but after it bounces around in your head for a while, the answer just comes.  There are so many experiences in life that we don’t want to have, and illness tops the list.  We don’t want to be sick.  We don’t want to feel discomfort or pain in our bodies.  Yet, if we are feeling pain or discomfort, wanting desperately to feel good instead is such a painful mental place to be.  We want what we don’t have, and that is all we can think about in each moment.  The reality, however, is that we are in pain in the present moment.  We are uncomfortable.  To want something that is not our reality right now, and to believe it won’t happen, makes us feel horrible.   

Fighting reality never feels good, so it can bring instant mental relief if you are able to stop resisting the current situation and look at it in a new way.  Strangely, releasing resistance often opens your eyes to new options, creative ideas, or new ways of thinking that eventually solve the problem. “Why is this experience perfect for you” moves your thinking into a different place, allowing you to release resistance and become unstuck. 

This question and its answer gave me incredible freedom when I was living with vulvodynia and IC.  In a way, it answered the despairing “why me” I threw out to the universe pretty much daily.  I hated living in pain and discomfort.  I hated the whole vulvodynia experience.  I hated how my life had changed because of it.  Then, Kathleen, my breath and relaxation instructor (see previous posts) asked me that question.  “Why is this experience perfect for you right now?”  I even hated that question, at first.  Then, as though moving into daylight from a dark cave, I could suddenly see my life stretched out behind and before me, my past and my future converging at this excruciating moment called Now. 

It was perfect because through this experience, I was discovering incredible new worlds, opening my mind to life-changing new ideas, and becoming very spiritually grounded.  I was finally expunging painful memories and coming alive in a way I could never have imagined before the wake-up call of life-stopping pain.  I was forced, through this illness, to learn to be still and relax, to stop running from my own thoughts and feelings, and to truly live in the moment.  I discovered gratitude.  My whole entire life was re-shaped thanks to this experience, from the inside out.  So I knew, even as I was still in pain, why the experience was perfect for me.  I knew I would become the person I longed to be, in harmony with myself, for the first time in my entire life.   

Seeing the amazing reasons for my experience gave me a completely different focus.  I relaxed.  I accepted the reality of where I was, but I expected to move forward to health, at whatever pace was right.  I let joy into my soul and began to like my own self.  I felt so incredibly good, despite the physical pain, that I simply knew everything was going to be fine.  And soon enough, the physical pain diminished, gradually, gradually, until I noticed one day it was no longer the perfect experience for me anymore.  It was gone.  I had moved on to new and different perfect experiences, new and different classrooms in the university of life.  Pain was my teacher, and I accepted my place as student.  When I had completely understood what I needed to learn, I graduated.   

Why is this experience perfect for you right now? 

I’d love to hear your answers, so feel free to comment.  It would be fun to start a little discussion about what each of you is experiencing and why it’s perfect for you!

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Life Coaching, Martha Beck, Vulvar Pain, Vulvar Vestibulitis Syndrome, Vulvodynia, Vulvodynia Support | 3 Comments »

What If

Tuesday, March 18th, 2008

I recently coached a client through a hysterectomy, working on her fears about the surgery, her worries about anesthesia, and her concerns about her doctors.  Health crises bring surges of emotion into our lives, and if we don’t know what to do with all these emotions, we run the risk of making the experience much more unpleasant and painful than it needs to be.  Fear, panic, depression, and anxiety never help health problems, and they aren’t any fun to feel, either. 

Working through these emotions to reach a place of centered calm can make surgery and other health issues much easier to face and experience. My client, Gwen, worked admirably and faithfully on her own thoughts prior to the surgery.  Our own thoughts, if we let them, can alter our perception of reality and create lots of unneeded stress in our lives.  Living in the land of “What If,” for example, causes high levels of anxiety.  When we first started working, Gwen had lots of What If’s – what if the surgery doesn’t go well, what if there are unforeseen problems, what if the doctors will not clear me for surgery…and more.  The What If Syndrome is a common problem for those of us who have been or are ill.  I remember many of my own What If’s from my experience with vulvodynia and IC.  What if I never get to have a normal sex life again?  What if I can’t have babies?  What if, what if, what if… 

Thinking this way removes you from the present and places you firmly in the future – a future much worse than the one you want.  It creates a mental picture of a future you do not want, and then you dwell on it, repeatedly.  If you’ve seen The Secret or done any reading about the Law of Attraction, you know this isn’t going to bring you what you long for, which, I’ll assume, is health.  Law of Attraction aside, thinking repeatedly about a negative What If can only increase your anxiety and panic levels, making you feel unhappy, stressed, and depressed. 

Gwen and I worked together on her major What If – What If they call off the surgery.  As we talked through it, Gwen realized that as of the current moment, the surgery was still scheduled.  She already had exactly what she wanted.  So focusing on the thing she didn’t want made no sense.  The reality was, the surgery was going forward, and nobody had said or done anything to alter this.  Gwen was creating her own mental pain by thinking ahead to an unwanted future event.   

It is true that most What If’s could indeed come to pass.  But why create mental anguish by even considering them?  Of course thoughts pop into your head, and perhaps a What If or two will catch you by surprise.  But you have the power to choose to believe the What If or not.  The future is always unknown, always unavailable to us.  We can only live now, and even if we are in the midst of something uncomfortable, the reality of it is often much less painful than the stories we tell ourselves about it.   

Gwen’s surgery did happen as planned, and she is now in the recovery phase.  More importantly, she was not terrified, panicked, or anguished about the surgery itself.  She went into surgery with a calm state of mind, for which, I’m sure, her body thanks her.  She tells me she dreamt she was in Jamaica the whole time she was under anesthesia.  Now that is a truly happy mind.

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Life Coaching, Martha Beck, Vulvar Pain, Vulvar Vestibulitis Syndrome, Vulvodynia, Vulvodynia Support | No Comments »

Being Grateful

Friday, March 14th, 2008

When I was in the midst of my physical pain and emotional turmoil, I saw an Oprah show where the guest was talking about feeling grateful for experiencing illness.  I can’t remember now what illness this person suffered from, or what the whole show was about, but I do remember how very annoyed I was at the time.  I could not understand why somebody would feel grateful for something so terrible, and I decided she must not be in a lot of physical pain.  I thought my physical illness must be much worse than hers.  I could not fathom feeling grateful for something so very painful and emotionally difficult. 

Now, here I am, living my very fulfilling, joy-filled life, typing away, feeling…yes, grateful.  I am grateful for my own illness, and no, I am not delusional, and yes, I do remember the physical pain I felt.   

In her upcoming book, Steering by Starlight, Martha Beck writes about a concept she calls the Ring of Fire.  This is one of the most difficult places to be and also one of the most incredible places to be – the ring of fire transforms your life.  Going through the ring of fire burns up all of your beliefs about yourself, your life, who you are supposed to be, and lands you squarely in the Core of Peace.  Obviously, the core of peace is peaceful and a very pleasant place to be. 

Most people require a little push into the ring of fire.  We don’t generally seek out such emotionally intense transformational processes on purpose, because they are difficult and not a lot of fun.  They are, however, worth it.  The core of peace is a place of certainty, where you know yourself quite well, are comfortable, love yourself, and feel a deep sense of purpose and well-being.  It is the home of your Inner Healer. 

When illness lands in your life unexpectedly, you are kicked unceremoniously into the ring of fire.  Everything you thought you knew about yourself, everything that used to describe you, changes.  You feel lost, at sea, alone, and confused.  You no longer feel a strong sense of identity.  Though this sounds awful, it is actually the perfect moment for your journey to begin.  If you can accept that you are now journeying forward toward your core of peace rather than fighting with all your might to move backward to the old you, you will be rewarded with speedier travels.  I don’t know about you, but anything with the word “fire” in its title is something I’d like to hurry on through. 

After surviving illnesses, people often seek new careers, volunteer for causes, change relationships, or make other bold, life-changing moves.  Being booted into the ring of fire accelerates the process of becoming who you are meant to be, not just in terms of careers and other labels, but in the sense of that deeper, more meaningful perception of yourself.  Arriving at your core of peace is much like the sensation of coming home.  You’ve just come home to yourself.   

It’s such an amazing experience that I am absolutely grateful for my illness.  It hurtled me into the ring of fire, a place I would not have gone willingly.  Without my illness, I would not have come home to myself.  And I really, really like it here. 

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Life Coaching, Martha Beck, Vulvar Pain, Vulvar Vestibulitis Syndrome, Vulvodynia, Vulvodynia Support | No Comments »

Saved by my Inner Healer

Tuesday, March 4th, 2008

My Inner Healer (see previous posts) and I became very good friends after my first appointment with the breathing and relaxation instructor, Kathleen.  It turns out deep breathing is a fantastic way to start listening to your Inner Healer, which is why I began mentioning it a few posts ago.  Breathing is magical.  It stops panic, it brings your awareness to your thoughts, it allows you to access your inner self, and it moves your physical body into a relaxed, allowing state that enables healing.   

The more I breathed, the more I calmed down.  The more I calmed down and learned to do the breathing exercises at home, the more I was able to hear my Inner Healer.  I followed her instructions and started seeking out a myriad of different treatments.  I kept seeing my vulvovaginal specialist, because he was the first doctor who seemed to know what was going on and did not brush me off.  I was tired of doctors telling me this was in my head, this wasn’t a real problem, I should see a therapist, etc.  I wasn’t seeing amazing results from my Western medicine approach, but I didn’t feel like I needed to stop the treatments.  I just listened to my Inner Healer and started adding. First, I added chiropractic work on all the muscles of my lower body that relate to the pelvic floor.  My Inner Healer found this a good choice.  Then, she sent me to an acupuncturist.  She did not like the first one I went to, so I followed her advice and went to another one.  He was fantastic and helped me on my journey to health.  She pointed me in the direction of therapy, which only added to the improvements. 

She became the architect of my life, and I liked her so much I hired her permanently.   Eventually, on her recommendation, I let go of chiropractic, acupuncture, medication, physical therapy, and therapy.  Though they all served their purpose, they weren’t necessary after a while, and though I was actually still having physical symptoms, I was so sure of my Inner Healer that I was not even concerned about letting these other therapies go.  I kept the breathing and relaxation techniques, and I followed her lead into the realm of working with my own mind.  I began studying different books about the power of the mind, and eventually I discovered Martha Beck and her life coaching techniques.  

My Inner Healer led me right to my life’s purpose, because, like I mentioned two posts ago, the Inner Healer and what Martha Beck calls the essential self are truly one and the same.  My path to health was also my path to joy and truth within myself. 

Though I used many different healing modalities, I would never tell anyone to follow in my footsteps.  Even though I did heal and do live completely pain-free, take no medications, and follow no strict dietary regimens, I would not tell anyone my way is the right or only way.  You each have an Inner Healer, and your Inner Healer knows what you need.  She knows what’s right for you.  My job, as a life coach, is to help you uncover her, guide you to emotional strength, and support you as you move toward a place of feeling good.  At last.   

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Life Coaching, Martha Beck, Vulvar Pain, Vulvar Vestibulitis Syndrome, Vulvodynia, Vulvodynia Support | No Comments »

Message from my Inner Healer

Sunday, March 2nd, 2008

After I had been to see a vulvovaginal specialist for my interesting mix of vulvar dysesthesia, vulvar vestibulitis, pelvic floor syndrome, and interstitial cystitis, I had a complete meltdown.  I really thought this doctor would save me from the nightmare and give me my life back.  I had suffered an allergic reaction to a yeast cream and had hives all over the vulvar region as well as my upper chest.  Even after the hives subsided, I had the most intense itching I had ever experienced.  I had always suffered bouts of vulvar itching – even when I was as young as three years old.  This itching, however, never left.  My specialist prescribed prednisone, hoping to calm what seemed to be an allergic reaction that had turned into vulvar vestibulitis.   

Nope.  Nothing changed.  I completely lost it and became an emotional conglomoration of complete panic, despair, and anger.  I imagine my inner self as a big, black swirling cloud during that time.   

Prior to my meltdown, I was doing pretty well emotionally because I was fresh from my trip to the specialist and full of new hope.  I was sure the treatments would work, and I was feeling so much better mentally that I was able to hear my Inner Healer (see previous post) when she spoke to me.  During a physical therapy appointment, my physical therapist mentioned a local woman who taught breathing and relaxation techniques.  My physical therapist was treating myself and another woman with vulvodynia at the time, and she was always looking for anything that might help us.  She gave me this woman’s card and said, “Why not try it?  We’re trying to relax your pelvic floor muscles and here’s a person who specializes in deep breathing and relaxation.  It can’t hurt!”   

I took the card enthusiastically, looked at it, and KNEW.  I just knew I had to make an appointment to see this woman.  My Inner Healer was adamant.  I was certainly not in tune with my Inner Healer at the time, but that momentary pause in the panic and despair litany in my mind was just enough to let her message come through.  For me, that moment was one of those pivotal, life-changing moments I will forever cherish.   

Shortly after this appointment, I began the meltdown and spiral into complete and utter hopelessness.  The medication was not working, I was reacting badly to another medication, the muscle relaxants left me feeling loopy, and physical therapy hurt even more than I had thought possible.  Luckily, I had already made my appointment with the breathing teacher, and I was grasping desperately for any help at this point.  I dragged myself to see her.   

I cannot even explain the magic of that appointment.  Yes, I learned the first few breathing techniques, but I also experienced a magical, soothing calm just from being in Kathleen’s presence.  She guided me into a relaxation state, soothed me into deep breathing, and for the first time in so many months, brought me out of panic.  My Inner Healer was absolutely right.  This was the woman I needed to see.  This was the beginning of my journey, the impetus for the surrender into acceptance and the move forward into healing my emotions.  I will be forever grateful for every part of that experience and all that I learned from Kathleen as she worked with me over the next several months.   

My Inner Healer led me to Kathleen so I could learn to listen to my Inner Healer even more.  And, I believe, so I could teach you how to listen to your Inner Healer and find your own path to peace, calm, joy, and health.  Your Inner Healer knows what you need.    

To learn more about breathing, visit Kathleen’s website at www.BarrattBreathworks.com.

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Posted in Chronic Pain, Life Coaching, Martha Beck, Vulvar Pain, Vulvar Vestibulitis Syndrome, Vulvodynia, Vulvodynia Support | No Comments »